Ask Amy: Time for payback after husband drops $20,000 on teen escorts

Dear Amy: I found out that my husband of more than 20 years has been using teenage “escorts” that he has found online. He has spent more than $20,000 and given me an STD.

We have two college-age children and I am literally sick to my stomach about this. In addition to his other offenses, he is very cheap with our children and has used money that should have gone toward tuition on this horrible pursuit.

This past Christmas was the absolute worst. To keep up appearances, I behaved as normally as I could; he was completely withdrawn. I assume the kids noticed this.

I am definitely going to ask for a divorce. He says he wants mediation, but I am leaning toward a court battle. If we can be civil, not likely, mediation would be less expensive and more private. A court battle would put everything out in the open, and I don’t think either of us wants that.

Your advice?

— Sad

Dear Sad: In order to have a court battle, you have to have a legal issue to fight about. (I am not a lawyer, and you should consult one.)

Your husband’s infidelity and giving you an STD might be legal grounds for divorce in states that have “fault” divorce, but in “no-fault” states, his actions might not matter as much as you would think. You will not be asking the court to decide on custody of the children (because of their ages). You might be able to sue him for giving you an STD.

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Court battles are expensive. You say you don’t necessarily want to expose these matters publicly, and yet you seem to want some satisfaction or retaliation from what you have endured.

I suggest you try mediation to arrive at a financial settlement. If you can’t come to terms, then you might move on to court. Mainly, you need to realize that your true satisfaction will be through the choices you make on your own behalf.

Being a good and stalwart parent will bring you joy. Dropping the pretense about your marriage, and living well and authentically will be the best revenge.

Dear Amy: I was happy to see that you took the expatriate “Wondering” to task when she complained about her mother saying she missed her.

One burden of living far away from family is the need to recognize that other people miss you. This is not always a guilt trip.

— Expatriate, Too

Dear Expatriate: Sometimes the most arduous journeys are the guilt trips we send ourselves on.