Dear Amy: What should I do if my significant other isnât supportive of surgical/cosmetic changes that I want to make to my body?
Iâve flat-out asked him how he would feel if I got lip injections (just to test the waters). I want other, more extreme procedures as well.
He told me that if I had something like that done, he would leave me.
Iâve been in a relationship with him for four years, so it kind of hurts my feelings that he would drop all that just because I wanted to make a change to my body so that I wonât feel as insecure in it.
He says it would make him feel that Iâm not who he thought I was and that itâs vain to do these things. Do you think his feelings are justified?
â Curious about Collagen
Dear Curious: Iâm not sure why you are asking me about your boyfriendâs feelings. He has given you his honest opinion, and he (and I) shouldnât have to justify his feelings.
The downside of your choice to âtest the watersâ in this way is that you donât seem to have prepared yourself for the answer.
It is your body. You shouldnât feel compelled to discuss your choice with anyone in advance.
Iâm not a fan of cosmetic procedures (certainly âextremeâ ones), but if someone I loved wanted to do this, and if they could afford it and it didnât harm their health, Iâd tell them to have at it.
I suggest that you do what you want to do. Donât ask your boyfriend to weigh in beforehand, and donât ask for his opinion or approval afterward.
Dear Amy: My boyfriend and I (age 50 and 48) are talking about getting married next year. He is a kind, sweet, smart and responsible person, and Iâm utterly besotted.{/span}
The part that has me concerned is that his best friend is his mother. He is very introverted and so he doesnât have anyone he just âhangs outâ with. His whole social life is going to church on Sundays with his parents, singing in the choir, and me. He was previously married, and before his wife passed away, his whole world revolved around her (his wife).
This all hit me when he talked about discussing something with his mom that I thought should have been discussed with me first.
His mom is a lovely, sensible person, and we get along great. Iâve just never been involved with someone who is so close to his mom. My own mom passed away when I was in my 20s, and my father and I are not close. He has yet to meet my dad, or most of my brothers.
Iâm not sure how to get my head around the idea that his mother really is his best friend, the person he goes to first for advice and comfort, the way you would your best friend.
He holds down a good job, has his own place, never asks for money, etc. But this just seems odd to me. Or am I the odd one?
What are your thoughts?
â Another Amy
Dear Amy: You say that in your guyâs previous marriage, his world revolved around his wife. It is vital in functioning marriages for the couple to be at the center of the coupleâs world. This means that spouses should share important information with one another before bringing in others, best friends or family.{/span}
In terms of the friendship between this mother and son, I think that many people would consider a parent or sibling to be their best friend. (I certainly felt that way about my own mother.) This best friendship should not supersede the relationship between spouses, however.
Understand that at this juncture you hold important information about your guy. He might be able to make adjustments to bring you into his family circle, but his relationship with his parents may become even more important and central to his life as they age and need him more.
This is truly a case of âif you marry him, you will marry his mother.â
Dear Amy: âWaiting for Sorryâ reported her history of mental illness, and her need for her mother to acknowledge it.{/span}
Thank you for trying to reduce the stigma surrounding mental illness. The stigma is what keeps many people from acknowledging this reality.
â Bipolar
Dear Bipolar: Every time someone talks openly about having a mental illness, it helps to reduce the stigma. Weâre getting there.
