Forgive me, dear readers β Mom, Dad, Keith, guy who was just innocently looking for the classifieds and landed here by mistake β for I have guilt.
Not really sure why. Maybe my Catholic upbringing? When I was little, my mom marched us kids to confession regularly, whether weβd done anything juicy enough to report or not. Thatβs probably why I feel this huge need to unburden myself. Oh who am I kidding β Iβm lying. And now I have something else to add to my list.
The real truth is, I get a kick out of midnight confessions on βThe Late Show With Stephen Colbertβ and he asked viewers to tweet their transgressions and, since I have way too much for 140 characters, I figured I would purge my soul in a column. Because I can.
So, here goes:
It might be gross, but I still have all three positive pregnancy-test sticks. (Not out on the coffee table or anything, just in a bathroom drawer.)
I refuse to throw out my kidsβ baby teeth, and I still have a beloved dogβs puppy fang.
Still on the topic of teeth, No. 3 lost a chomper and I had to pay him with money from his own wallet because the Tooth Fairyβs was empty.
I will never see the latest βStar Warsβ flicks because I have not forgiven George Lucas for those crappy Episodes I, II and III that ruined my favorite childhood movies.
Iβm kinda coming around to mayonnaise.
I made a special trip to the bakery and purchased a birthday cake, and it wasnβt anyoneβs birthday.
Sometimes, I hum the βNationwide is on your sideβ song, even when I havenβt heard it on the TV.
As long as weβre on the topic of insurance, I think Flo from Progressive would be fun to hang out with on a Friday night.
For more than a year Iβve kept this email in my inbox about a workout to achieve the perfect butt. Iβve never read it.
Sometimes, when my hands are wet, I dry them on my fluffy little dog.
I steal candy from my kidsβ holiday stashes when theyβre not home.
I keep reading Entertainment Weekly even though I donβt know who half of the people featured are. And worse than that, I canβt make out most of the words because the type is way too small.
Also, I still canβt quite pull the trigger on a pair of reading glasses.
I like to mess with my kids when I pick them up from their respective schools by parking behind identical minivans to see if theyβll go to the wrong one.
Reading a book is too big of a commitment for me right now.
Some of the annoying pop music my kids like isnβt really as annoying as I complain that it is, except for Fall Out Boy. That group stinks.
On more than one occasion while doing laundry, Iβve made judgment calls that some articles of clothing did not actually need to be washed.
Ahhhh. I feel so much better now. Thanks. I think I may have earned some non-birthday birthday cake. Or, better yet, a free pass on the laundry this week.
