DEAR AMY: I am a 24-year-old college graduate living at home to save money for a place of my own.
I have been dating βMartinβ for almost a year. We love each other and have talked about our future (i.e., marriage).
After a lot of discussion and research, we decided that it was appropriate to look into long-term birth control. About a month ago, I had my appointment at the clinic, and everything went well ... until last night. Yesterday, my mother received the notice from the health-insurance company notifying her of my clinic visit, because I am on her health coverage.
While I stand by my decision to be proactive and responsible, she is struggling with it and with how she found out.
She is very conservative in her views on premarital sex, and feels incredibly hurt that I did not tell her about it ahead of time.
We have always been very close, so I understand her hurt. I honestly wrestled with talking with her about this, but at the same time, it was a choice regarding my body and my relationship.
I offered to pay for it, but she said that the damage has already been done.
Can you give your opinion? How much is a parent entitled to know about their adult childβs intimate life?
Is there anything I could have done/can do to help the situation?
I have always been one to passively avoid problems, but I want to do everything I can to promote my relationship with my mother and my boyfriend. Your insight?
β Canβt Un-ring That Bell
Dear Canβt Un-ring: While I, personally, feel your mother should have thrown a parade in your honor, or at least respected your choice, I also completely understand her reaction to this.
This episode falls under the category of, βMy house, my rules,β and furthermore, I believe you know it.
Using birth control is about you making a very important choice regarding your own body. However, if you are making adult choices regarding your own body, then why are you inviting your motherβs involvement by having her pay for it?
Your habit of passively avoiding discussing challenging issues could be interpreted here as an immature (or subconscious) bid to force the matter.
And so now the matter has been forced.
Understand that your mother is disappointed and struggling. You and your boyfriend should offer again to compensate her for the cost of your clinic visit. And you should ask her if she would like you to move into your own place.
Your boyfriend could make amends by standing alongside you as your loving partner, not waiting while you try to smooth things over. You two should bravely ask your mother how you can earn back her respect.
