Ask Amy: Children fret about elderly mother's risky life

DEAR AMY: My 85-year-old alcoholic mother lives alone in a big house in a small village in New England.

I am one of her four children, all of whom live at least 150 miles from her. We have all tried, unsuccessfully, to convince her to stop driving so that she doesn’t cause an accident that could kill someone.

One of my siblings actually took her car away, but then my mother went out and leased a car so she could drive to the store to buy her booze (she actually tried to hide this from us).

We have also tried, unsuccessfully, to convince her to move to an assisted-living facility. We believe she is ashamed that her alcoholism will be exposed to others at the assisted-living facility and/or she will lose her access to alcohol.

By the way, she denies she is an alcoholic, even though she has been to treatment centers and makes periodic trips to the emergency room when she falls down from drinking too much. Any suggestions on what to do about this.

— Years of Wine and Roses

Dear Wine and Roses: You and your siblings are trying to control your mother from a distance, and she is (so far) successfully asserting her independence.

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You don’t say that your mother drives drunk, only that she drives to the store to purchase wine. Many elderly drivers develop successful strategies to stay safe on the road, even as their capacities diminish: they only drive during the daytime, they avoid left-hand turns, and stay off highways.

Your mother’s alcoholism has obviously had a big impact on you and your siblings, but at this point, perhaps you should accept that she likely won’t stop drinking.

Your efforts should switch from trying to control her, to accepting that this is her life, and she will continue to live it in a way that contains risks, falls, injuries, emergency room visits, etc.

You and your siblings should do what you can to diminish the risks without forcing her or taking her rights away.

If you feel she isn’t managing at home, you should see if she is willing to have someone come in during the day to help with cooking and personal care. She might also benefit from having a “life alert” medallion, so she can call for emergency help if she needs it.

You and your siblings should commence the hard work of accepting with a level of detachment the person you cannot seem to change. Spending time in her household will help you to assess her capabilities. Al-anon material or meetings will help you to cope.