Dear Amy: I come from a family of four kids.
Mother was bipolar and kept the four of us at each other’s throats through manipulation. It took me years to repair my relationships with my two brothers, and our sister passed, refusing any attempts at reconciliation with her siblings.
Mother died several years ago, and my two brothers and I had fairly good communication.
Then when our father died, the eldest brother, who was physically abusive to us when we were younger and very much verbally abusive as adults, emotionally attacked me and refused to allow the younger brother to attend the funeral.
Now, my younger brother has also alienated me, even though I took his side during that skirmish.
Since Father’s death, Big Brother continues to invite me to his family events, and my family wants me to put his past meanness aside and spend time in his home.
I am now in my 60s and do not wish to be demeaned by him. He just cannot help himself.
He is basically saying that I just need to get over it, but I am over it, and I do not wish to be exposed to his mean-spirited attacks any longer.
I would rather my immediate family visit him (if they wish), without me.
I hate it that my family is so fractured, but I have no control over any of this.
I am much happier with my immediate family and without the old family ties, so how can I make this nagging issue go away?
— Contented
Dear Contented: Congratulations on being officially Over It.
You say you are contented now, and so the last thing I would want to do would be to try to “cure” your contentment.
Your narrative illustrates the heartbreaking generational fracturing caused by extreme dysfunction.
Yes, you should carry on, determined to be better and to do better than the generation that raised you. And yes, you should certainly encourage any family member to reach out toward your older brother on their own accord.
Things might go well for them, and, if so, great. Or they might fly a little too close to the family flame and also get burned. But your own children (for instance) might be better equipped to handle this, because they weren’t exposed to this abuse during their own childhoods, and because they were raised by you in a higher-functioning and healthier home.
You can’t make this nagging issue go away. But you can cope with it, safe in the knowledge that you are taking good care of yourself.
Dear Amy: I disagreed with your response to “Concerned Cousin,” who was conceived through sperm donation and now wanted to tell her cousin that she was conceived the same way. When will people get the memo: This is none of your business?
— Upset
Dear Upset: A person’s DNA is the very definition of their “business.” This cousin thought her aunt and uncle should not keep this important information from their (adult) child, and I agree.
