Dear Amy: I was in a two-year relationship with βTiffanyβ that ended over a year ago. I created a dishonest situation with her. I take full responsibility for my actions and continue to feel horrible about it.
After the breakup, we didnβt talk for a month. When we did meet up to talk, she asked me to help her and her children from a previous marriage move 1,500 miles away.
I obliged and did the favor. Since the move, I have kept my distance and tried to move on, continuing to feel horrible that I messed up the good thing we had.
Over the last year, Tiffany has texted me from time to time. On a recent trip she made to my home state, I let her borrow my car/apartment (while I was away).
Tiffany has often asked why I donβt talk to her much and why Iβve kept our conversations short. I usually reply that Iβm busy (most of the time, I am).
Am I obligated to keep this friendship going? I donβt want to hurt her again. I feel like if I donβt respond to her contacts she will become upset and depressed.
At some point I want to move on to get past my own mistakes without hurting her in the process. How do I get past this?
β Obligated Ex-boyfriend
Dear Obligated: So, you take responsibility for being dishonest toward βTiffany,β and for causing the breakup of your relationship.
Now it seems that you feel obligated to do whatever Tiffany asks, including moving her and her family across a great distance.
Tiffany may be trying to take advantage of your guilt β itβs hard to tell, since she also seems to be acting like there is an assumption of friendship.
Regardless, Tiffany did not rush in and carry you out of a burning building. She merely let you betray and break up with her. Your guilt should not translate into a lifetime of obligations.
I take it that even though you feel terrible about causing the end of your good relationship, you donβt want to continue in any kind of friendship. So youβre going to have to break up with Tiffany again. Only this time, youβre going to have to go all-in: βTiffany, the reason I donβt communicate much with you is because I have emotionally moved on from our relationship. I continue to feel terrible about my behavior. You did nothing to deserve that. I want to be honest with you. I donβt want to ghost you. But I donβt want to continue our friendship.β
You are not responsible for Tiffanyβs reactions to you. Be honest, be kind, but do not string her along unless you are willing to sincerely engage in a friendship with her (and possibly also rotate her tires).
Dear Amy: A close friend of mine is dating a married man, βWendell,β whose wife is in a nursing home.
I am not comfortable with this. I believe in adhering to your marriage vows.
She includes him in all of our friendsβ group activities, such as dinners, parties, etc. I am polite but do not plan to include him in my future plans, such as my childrenβs weddings, etc.
Whatβs the best way to navigate this? My friend is very defensive about him.
β Upset Friend
Dear Upset: Your gripe seems to be primarily with βWendell.β He is the person violating the marriage vows that are so important to you. Your friend is a party to his behavior, but he is ultimately responsible for it. If you feel the need to exclude him from important events for this reason, and you feel he deserves or requires an explanation, then you should tell him.
You have to live by your own standards; it is not always wise, or kind, to insist that others must.
