How to write a 'Thank You' note

Why should I write a thank you note?

The thank-you note is a classic way to show someone you appreciate something he or she has done for you or given you. It shows that you acknowledge the time or thought — or both — someone has taken to give you a gift.

A more mercenary reason is that a gift giver is more likely to give another gift if you show your appreciation.

If you’ve ever read advice columnists such as “Dear Abby,” you may have noticed that some grandparents get so tired of the fact that their gifts are not acknowledged that they consider stopping the gifts altogether.

Consider this: If your grandmother gives you a generous check when you graduate from high school and you show the proper appreciation, you stand to receive more generous gifts when graduating from college, getting married or for future birthdays.

While it may seem like a lot of unnecessary work, I know of grandparents who are so proud of such thank-you notes that they show them to friends or put them on display for a few weeks.

When is a thank you note appropriate?

Hand-write a thank-you note whenever you are given a gift from an older (older than you) family member who is not able to be present for Christmas, graduation, a birthday or any other gift-giving occasion. Whether you like the gift or not, be grateful and write the note.

If the family member is present, thank him or her verbally, then consider a note. The older the relative is, the more important it is to also write a note. This may seem crass, but the value of a thank-you note has diminished over time, making it most important to your oldest friends and relatives. When in doubt, it is never wrong to hand write a thank-you note. Grandparents adore phone calls, too, but they shouldn’t be in lieu of the note.

If Grandma is unable to attend your graduation from high school but sends a $500 check, she deserves a hand-written note sent via “snail mail.” The reason she couldn’t attend doesn’t matter (unless she is ill or injured, in which case, you should also snail mail a get-well card). She cared enough to send a nice check.

These rules apply for Christmas and birthday gifts as well. A thank you as you open a gift in Grandma’s presence is obligatory, but a written one later will always be remembered.

If friends or coworkers of one or both of your parents give you a check for any amount, even if it’s only $20, write the note and mail it, hand-deliver it or ask your parents to deliver it. Don’t embarrass your parents with their friends by not acknowledging the gift.

In this case, email may be fine, it depends on the friends. You parents will be the best judge. Don’t be afraid to ask.

If a contemporary, perhaps someone in your circle of friends, gives you a gift, you must acknowledge it. While a hand-written note would be wonderful, your friends are just as likely to be happy with an email. They don’t want to write notes either and may not be pleased if you up the ante in your circle.

One more thing: Always, always send thank-you notes for wedding gifts, bridal shower gifts and baby gifts. These are times when it's hard to find the time to write a note, but it's as expected as showing up for your own wedding. This isn't a job solely for the bride or baby's mother. Grooms and fathers are expected to do their share.

The items you will need

You can use a plain note card with a matching envelope or one imprinted with “Thank you” on the front. Write your note on the inside only. If the note will be short, write only on the right side of the fold or below the fold, depending on the orientation of the card. However, don’t use a lack of note cards as an excuse. Grandmothers and grandfathers — and almost anyone — would rather hear from you in a note on school notebook paper than not at all.

Try your best to be legible and check your spelling. It never hurts to write it out on another piece of paper and copy it on the note card, especially if you have several to write. This also helps you to know how much space you’ll need on the note card.

Use dark blue or black ink. That sounds like a quote from "Miss Manners," but there is a good reason. It's easier to read. Pink or purple ink is cute, but doesn't send the most sincere message. Darker ink will be easier for an older person to read if his or her eyesight is failing.

What should you write?

Include these elements:

Thank the gift-giver for the check or gift and be specific if it was something besides a check. You don’t need to mention the amount of the check.

Refer to it as generous. Someone took the time to pick it out or thought enough to send a fair amount. Even if the check is just $20, it may be all the giver can afford.

If the gift was money, say what you might do with it. You can be vague: “I will probably use it for…”

If you’ve been fortunate to spend time with Grandma, share a memory. If not, ask about her health, her cat or something else along those lines. Say you’re sorry she couldn’t share in your celebration. The closer you are, the easier this is. You can be silly if you know it won’t be misinterpreted. I used to sign my notes “Your favorite granddaughter.” I was the only granddaughter, so it was true.

If the gift giver was a parental friend, say something like “it was great seeing you last week at dinner with my parents,” or “I hope your children are doing well,” (name them if you know them, or if you are friends of their children, be much more specific). If you really don’t know them much at all, you can just say “I hope you are well.”

If the gift was from someone your age, you may be much more relaxed.

An example of a note to Grandma

Dear Grandma,

Thank you for the generous check you sent for my graduation. 

Since I will be driving to college (name the school) and hope to get home on weekends next year, I plan to use the money to help pay for new tires for my car. (Or perhaps: The money will be helpful when I need to buy books and other supplies.)

I’m sorry you couldn’t be here to join the celebration. I hope you’re feeling much better. Is Spot keeping your spirits up? (Or if she was there: I was so happy that you could join us for the celebration. I’m afraid I won’t see as much of you when I’m away at school.)

You still make the best chocolate chip cookies in the world. I’m not begging for cookies, just telling you the truth.

Love,

Grandchild (of course, use your name)

An example of a note to your parents' friends

Dear Ms. Smith,

Thank you for your generous check for my graduation. It was much appreciated. I will put the money toward school books next year.

It was nice seeing you at the company barbecue in April. It seems you are still one of the best softball players at the company. I’m sure Dad was lucky to be on your team.

Sincerely,

Your name. Include your last name if there’s a possibility of confusion. Your parents can tell you if it is necessary.