The birds and the bees. The facts of life. The big talk.
No matter what you call it, talking about one of the most natural things in the world can feel ... well, unnatural, when you’re talking about it with your kids.
But, if we’re not talking to our children about sex, they will learn it elsewhere — kids at school, the Internet, television and who knows where else.
So, which is worse — some awkward question-and- answer sessions, or your child receiving the wrong message about sex somewhere else?
“Many parents are hesitant to talk with their children about sexual health,” said Marie Fordney, director of The Grrrls Project, a teen pregnancy prevention program at Child & Family Resources, Inc. “They may feel they don’t have enough information, or that talking will make them curious and cause their children to do something risky while trying to learn more. The truth is that kids in the U.S. are exposed to sex every day and everywhere. It’s in advertising, television, even literature. And all over the Internet. The only way to be sure our children are getting the messages we want them to receive about sex is for us to talk with them ourselves.”
While there is not one right way to go about it, medical and parenting experts agree the best way to educate the kids is to start having those conversations early on.
For starters, using the correct terminology for body parts opens the door to more discussions later on, said Kim Metz, specialty service director at The Parent Connection, a program of Arizona’s Children Association, which offers support, classes and resources for families.
“Wait for their questions. Look for opportunities for teaching moments, then it’s easier and more natural and it starts a pattern early on in being able to discuss things,” Metz said. “It’s far more simple early on when the comfort level is there.”
When the children do ask questions, don’t feel like you have to elaborate or read more into the question, Metz said. “Keep it simple and wait for them to ask for more.”
No worries if you’ve been waiting on the subject. It’s never too late to start the conversation, Metz said.
“If parents have waited, there’s no reason to sit down and catch up on everything we’ve missed,” Metz said. “Just open the conversation. Find out what they know. No matter what age the children are, just be available and open to answering questions and giving them information.”
The direction these conversations go depends a lot on the parents’ level of comfort with questions about sex, sexuality, etc., said Dr. Richard Wahl, pediatrician and director of adolescent medicine at Banner — University Medicine.
“If one has the perspective that sexuality is a natural and beautiful part of life, then there is no point where one has ‘the talk,’ but, it is a part of life,” Wahl said. “And, children, being inquisitive creatures, will ask questions in many different ways at different ages. Being open to your children’s questions and answering them in an age-appropriate manner is a key thing. A 6-year-old and a 16-year-old will get very different answers to ‘Where do babies come from?’ ”
Once you have given them answers, Metz said ask your children if you’ve answered all of their questions.
“If you haven’t said enough, they’ll ask you more,” Metz said.
How much you share and when you share may depend on your family’s values and beliefs.
“Different families have different values and ideas,” Metz said. “Therefore we need to respect that, but, above all, don’t make it something that’s hush-hush. It’s a natural thing. Be able to take a deep breath, answer questions and check in that you have done so to their satisfaction.”
Culture is another factor in the way sex is approached, Wahl said.
“Compared to Europe, we are very restricted in our approach. Compared to the Middle East, we are exceedingly open in this regard,” Wahl said. “In this culture, there’s absolutely an awkwardness about sexuality, as a whole. This country is exceedingly open to violence, but closed to sexuality.”
But, the key, Wahl says, is an open line of communication with your child — from toddler age to young adult.
“Teaching our children about sex is not a one-time conversation, but an extension of our ongoing relationship with our children,” Fordney said. “We don’t wait until a child is of reading age to show them their first book. Most parents have bath books or noisy toy books for infants, and begin reading to their children long before the child is reading him or herself.
“The same should apply to learning about their bodies, where babies come from, and that they have the right to decide when and how and by whom they are touched. This is important information, and there’s a lot to say, so we have the responsibility as parents to have ‘the talk’ over the course of years and as part of everyday interactions.”
For teens, Wahl says a big part of answering questions is clearing up misconceptions and wrong information from the Internet.
“The amount of information available online and in graphic detail is answering these questions many times over, for better and for absolutely worse,” Wahl said. “A lot of times it’s clearing up misconceptions, rather than introducing a topic out of the blue. The amount of poor advice or inaccurate and stupid information readily available is vast, so that’s part of the challenge these days.”
Parents who have already been there chimed in to help with ideas on approaching the subject with your children. Read on to see how they handled it with theirs.
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“We always use anatomically correct terms, answer the questions they ask (we’re not offering up anything additional right now) without beating around the bush. I figured if I act weird and embarrassed about the subject, they’ll think it’s something to be weird and embarrassed about. Each time I make them promise to not listen to the kids at school ... Always ask me or dad. I figure if we continue the open dialog they’ll be more apt to keep their promise.” - Sarah Bos, mother of two
“I told both boys, ‘Look I know this sounds gross to you now, but trust me, it will seem different when you’re older.’ I told them about how the penis goes into the vagina and to use protection. I was pretty straight forward
with them. They were a little embarrassed and they laughed a lot and said they already knew some of the stuff because of friends. They were 11 and 9.” - Ray Gonzales, father of 3
“When my daughter was 4 and my son was 5, we suddenly noticed a lot of baby fish in our aquarium a few days after we had bought a couple of new fish. They were very excited, and asked how the babies had gotten there. I was also surprised, since I was only planning on two! I talked about fish eggs and how they were fertilized. This discussion lead, of course, to human babies, which they both already knew weren’t hatched from eggs. I had just finished an excellent book, called “The Talk: What your kids need to hear from YOU about sex” (Sharon Maxwell) and I decided sooner was better than later. Of course, I got the usual reaction, “Yuck, did you and daddy really have to do that?” My 5-year-old son immediately changed the subject, but my 4-year-old daughter asked a lot of questions. It very soon became a nontopic in the house, and I didn’t really need to caution them too much about telling their friends, since — of course — it was all very embarrassing. Now that they are approaching middle school, they are both very comfortable talking to me about rumors their friends tell them at school, or song lyrics on the radio. I am always very frank and open with my answers, and I hope they will never hesitate to ask me to clarify things, instead of relying on the media or their peers.” - Pamela Keyes, mother of two
“We told our 6-year-old daughter the facts of life. She proceeded to share this with her kindergarten friends. A parent of one of the friends nicely let us know that they preferred their child not learn about this from a kindergartner on the school bus.”
John Leader, father of three
“Aidan and his friends decided to look up sex in the dictionary at school. That, and hell, and a few other fun words. That’s how we started talking about sex. I think for most parents they assume human sexuality starts during puberty, when, in fact it starts way before then. I have always been open about everything, but only used simple answers. Most of the time that’s all they want anyways. We have talked about privates, appropriate and not appropriate touching and many other things. I asked Aidan about what he thought about the definition of sex and he said ‘mom it sounded so disgusting.’” - Katrina Gloudeman, mother of one
“My kid learned from Minecraft because of the pigs. I guess the pigs ‘mate’ and have babies. So one day my mom and sister asked if he knew about that kind of stuff and he told them what he had learned from the game — the basics — and they said he had it down. They told him to come to them or us if he had questions, not his friends or the Internet.” - Amanda Webner, mother of four
