Marilyn Heins: How are you?

What should we elderfolk answer when we meet a friend who asks, “How are you?”

“Fine! How are you?” was always my answer. But those of us in what I call Advanced Old Age must reframe how to best deal with this simple question.

Do we play the martyr and through clenched teeth and a forced wan smile caused by our cranky knee tell a big lie, “Fine, fine, how are you?”

Do we make a lame joke? “I’m aging, thank you!” “I must be OK, I woke up on the right side of the grass this morning!” “I am vertical and still ventilating!” “Not bad for an old geezer!” “I am surprised I’m still here!” “Why complain, nobody wants to hear it?”

Or do we tell the truth? A litany of nonstop truth “I feel awful, my back is killing me, I am uncomfortable day and night even with an expensive new mattress, the doctor said there is nothing she can do, I am depressed and irritable, etc. etc.” Boring!

My favorite answer, from a lady with several health issues but nonetheless a sunny and optimistic outlook, “Fabulous and YOU look fabulous too!”

Facts: As we age, our body begins to wear out. We experience bodily changes just like adolescents do but in the opposite direction. Longevity means losses so we shrink instead of growing, our eyes and ears weaken in acuity, our strength wanes.

Doctors cannot cure aging which is a process not a disease but they give us good advice about how best to keep our old selves going. Eat well but not too much, keep both body and brain moving, stay active, stay in touch with friends and family, get flu shots. My readers know I preach about avoiding the twin dangers of loneliness and falls.

But this incurable and unstoppable process called aging brings changes in our bodies that cannot be completely prevented even by a vegan who runs a marathon every week. And they cannot usually be reversed.

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Most of us in advanced old age have signs of what I call Elderbrain, Elderbalance, Elderjoints and Elderbladder. I have symptoms of all of these but my expertise is in Babybrain and Babybladder so remember what I write is from a personal, not professional, point of view.

Example of my own Elderbrain. I am pretty sharp most of the time but only if I write down (and cross off) all tasks and appointments. Retrieval time to bring a fact I know out of the depths can be long enough to make me cross because I know I know it, darn it! Mr. Google can sometimes be helpful in these instances.

Lost items? I have learned that when I cannot find where I put something in my own house, getting cross with myself is counterproductive. I go to a comfortable chair, close my eyes, relax and hum music or recite poetry to myself. It works most of the time. When I am calm instead of frantic, I may remember the route I took when I put object X in place X. If it doesn’t work, the object is either gone forever or the Goddess Serendipity will lead me to it one day. By the way if you lose your car keys, comics tell us this does not mean dementia. But if you forget what they are for it’s time to stop driving!

I do balance exercises because I have lost many, if not most, of my proprioceptors. Mr. Google just OK’d my spelling of this word and gave me the definition, “A sensory receptor which receives stimuli from within the body, especially one that responds to position and movement.” These tell us where our feet and body is in space. The bruises on my arms reveal that my arms do not always know where they are in space and neither do my feet. I walk very carefully to avoid falls.

I thank goodness for my mobility, creaky as it is. Yes, my joints ache, especially the knees, but I push myself to walk every day. Just the other day I worried about future immobility and envisioned myself bent over leaning on a walker. My mood plummeted from neutral to sad. Then I had a jolt of an optimistic thought: If I ever do need a walker I will paint it a bright, shiny red and flaunt it! Maybe even start a Red Walker Club!

It seems to me that every joint in my body has ached one time or another and we have 360 joints. If I develop a muscular or joint pain I try the time honored remedy: RICE for Rest, Ice, Compression (Ace bandage), and Elevation.

If the pain persists elderfolks must be wary of over-the-counter medications. Most of us are on several prescription drugs, many of which can be problematic even with aspirin. Too much Tylenol can be harmful or lethal. Read labels and follow directions carefully.When in doubt ask your doctor. As a matter of fact even if you are pain free at a your next visit, ask what you can safely take for muscular aches or pains. Be prepared. Aches and pains stalk all of us!

As for elderbladder, it is very common and both genders are affected. It is a rare elderman who does not have an enlarged prostate which causes this. And old ladies have old bladders. Very few of us sleep through the night without our bladder alarm waking us. We stagger to the bathroom (night lights are a must!) and if we are lucky fall back to sleep quickly. When one has elderbladder it is useful to memorize the location of restrooms everywhere one goes.

Fortunately, one can have all of the elder-problems above and still lead a pretty good life. I do. My challenge is to continue doing some (not all) of the things I love without wearing myself out and to balance my life so I have enough down time. And to accept myself for who I am now, creaky knees and all!