Welcome, welcome, welcome. Yes, I’m talking to you, all you snowbirds, gem show fans, and newcomers to Tucson.
If you’re having trouble figuring out our cuisine, our traffic, our icons or our rather quaint ways of doing things, here’s a little get-acquainted quiz that should make things easier – or have you booking the next flight home.
1. A Sonoran hot dog is:
A. An overheated Chihuahua.
B. The only permissible time you can put mayonnaise on a hot dog.
C. Why Tucson has 6,287 food trucks.
2. A traffic sign with the word “Yield” on it:
A. Is a good example of the rule: “ ‘I’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’.”
B. Is what loose women do on the first date.
C. Pretty much guarantees you will be rear-ended if you obey.
3. The left-turn arrow:
A. Only applies on holidays.
B. Was inadvertently designed for red-light runners.
C. Is illegal in Sun City.
4. Bear Down:
A. Is an exhortation delivered at all University of Arizona football and basketball games.
B. Serves as an abbreviated warning, as in: “Thar’s a bear down in the woods.”
C. Is an exhortation delivered in all delivery rooms.
5. Rain:
A. Is something you should never, ever complain about in the desert.
B. Causes at least six accidental drownings a year as Tucsonans tilt their heads backward and gape in wonderment.
C. Keeps the town’s 79 carwashes in business.
6. ASU:
A. Is the UA’s hated rival.
B. Stands as an abbreviation for “Aw, Shut Up.”
C. Was originally known as Tempe Normal.
7. Lute Olson:
A. Was recently discovered to be Pop McKale’s long-lost grandson.
B. Is actually bald.
C. Refers to a Norwegian wrestling hold, as in: “Homer just pinned Jethro to the mat with a Lute Olson.”
8. Father Kino:
A. Established a string of casinos across Southern Arizona.
B. Is memorialized as a statue on Kino Boulevard.
C. Is the patron saint of pigeons.
9. Nimby:
A. Stands for: “Not in my backyard.”
B. Is the reason Tucson lacks a crosstown freeway.
C. Was a prehistoric tribe whose remains were discovered in the late 1970s beneath the old Tanque Verde Swap Meet.
10. Arroyo:
A. Means “ditch” in Spanish.
B. Is what crosscrosses much of Tucson.
C. Is the mating call of the Southwestern coyote.
Answers: (1.) B. (2) C. (3) B. (4) A. (5) A. (6) A and C. (7) All false. (8) B. (9) A and B. (10) B.
- 8-10 correct:
- Hey, you know more than most Tucsonans.
- 5-7 correct.
- You’re on the right track.
- 2-4 correct:
- Stay out of those left-turn lanes.
- Less than 2 correct:
- What time does your flight leave?
