Nothing like starting off the new year with a little male bashing. Then again, the article upon which this column springs to life was written by a male.
Last month, Business Insider science reporter Kevin Loria — whose byline features his manly, unshaven face, thus pretty much establishing his gender — openly declared, “We men are idiots.”
To which every female reader of Business Insider no doubt gave a silent, if somewhat unsurprised, nod of the ol’ noggin.
Loria based his declaration upon a recently-published article in the British Medical Journal regarding a study that found that since 1995 almost 89 percent of the recipients — 282 in all — of the Darwin Award were male.
The Darwin Award, for those of you unacquainted with the honor, is bestowed upon people who, in Loria’s words, “improve the human gene pool by removing their own stupid genes from it.” Incidentally, the study’s four authors were all male.
For a prime example of Darwinian selection, look no further, cites the Los Angeles Times, than the terrorist who mailed a letter bomb that included a return address. Alas, the letter lacked insufficient postage. When it was returned to our would-be terrorist, he opened it.
What the study didn’t include was men who somehow survived their idiocy — such as the man who lost a testicle while using a belt sander as an auto-erotic device. Luckily, reports Loria, the man was “able to repair his scrotum using a staple gun and save the other testicle, so he was still able to procreate.”
Of course, most men who do idiotic things do survive. For example, I know a man who once thought it would be a good idea to “toast” his cigar in the microwave. Sometimes, as Freud never said, a cigar is just an explosive. Luckily, the man, who, sigh, happens to be my husband, did not have to replace the microwave.
Frankly, he cannot hold a candle to our son, who in his toddler years made several trips to the emergency room, and in his teenager years made several trips to the junkyard to replace the various doors, fenders, and whatnots he demolished on his truck.
Note to parents of teenage sons: If you cannot afford a tank, buy your son an old truck — one sturdy enough to survive a number of airborne incidents.
Those who claim a pair of XX chromosomes are not exempt from acts of idiocy, of course — yours truly included. When I was about 5, and disinclined to take the nap ordered by my mother, I decided to find out what would happen if I straightened out the bobby pin I had found under the bed and stick it inside the electrical wall socket next to the bed. Never did that again.
Same for the time when I was about 12, when I struck a match and held it close to my head. “Gee,” I told my younger brother, who was standing next to me, “It sounds just like a forest fire.”
“No wonder,” he calmly replied. “Your hair is on fire.”
Yep, I have done some idiotic things in my life — none fatal so far. Same for the poor woman who won a mention — though not the ultimate award — as a Darwin At-Risk Survivor.
Seems she decided to bake a cake using an old electric mixer with a detachable cord plugged into the socket. Unfortunately one end of the cord popped out of the old mixer and into the batter. She turned off the mixer but failed to unplug it. Instead, she took the end of the still-live cord – dripping with cake batter – and stuck it in her mouth. Not only did she survive the shock, the woman would later use it as a teachable moment — as a first aid instructor.
Wonder how many men would do the same.
