Marilyn Heins: Helping children cope with the coronavirus

We are all in this together, and that includes the children. They are missing school, extracurricular activities and play dates. They miss visits from grandma and grandpa, pizza nights out with mom and dad, neighborhood barbecues, going to the library, seeing a movie, hanging out with buddies.

Children really miss the normal rhythm and flow of life. And no matter how hard parents, grandparents and online teachers try to avoid upsetting them, America’s kids are worried. Duh! I am worried, too. Our world has changed. And we are filled with uncertainty. Will I get sick? When will school start again? Will I ever have a real graduation? Will I live long enough to see my grandchildren in person … how I long for real, not virtual, hugs and kisses!

No matter how hard parents try to keep their children from worrying or shield them from the media, children are afraid and worried. What worries them the most is how their parents are doing and how they are dealing with today’s reality.

My daughter-in-law texted me photos of three notes Joshua left on his parent’s bed. The first had many XOXOs, a heart, then “I love you mom and dad.” The next read “Mom Dad I love you/you make me happy.” Note No. 3: “My wish is for mom dad to be happy.”

The third note is poignant. I am sure many young children these days have the same wish. No matter how hard parents try to keep things normal and put on a happy face, I doubt many succeed. Life is NOT normal today. Even babies can sense parental tension. A school child confined to the house is just as unsettled and worried as a parent who lost a job.

My advice to parents and grandparents that follows is how to deal with children when disasters strike, whether the disaster is man-made like 9/11, is caused by nature like an earthquake, or arises from nature and spread by people/travel/big boats, which describes COVID-19.

BE HONEST

Do not try to conceal the truth, lie, gloss over the facts or pretend nothing happened. No need to be overly graphic.

EXPRESS YOUR OWN FEELINGS

“What a terrible thing that so many people are getting sick. Mom cannot go to work because her office is closed. Dad is not getting any gigs because people are not allowed to congregate and spread the virus.” It’s OK for mom and dad to say how sad and discombobulated you feel. For children to learn how to deal with strong feelings, they need to watch how grown-ups do it. Do not give a child the message that emotions are best concealed or ignored.

REASSURE

Explain that you will do everything you can to keep your child and yourselves safe. The bright child may ponder, “But, dad, the whole world has coronavirus and it is spreading!” Point out how social distancing helps prevent the spreads. Tell your child you will all obey the rules about distance, masks and remaining at home. And see that the children do so as well.

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DISCUSS

Encourage your child to talk about what is happening. Ask questions like, “How do you feel about not going to school?” “What do you miss the most?” Ask older children questions that require a thinking answer like, “How do you suppose your teacher feels?” Now that you are a de facto teacher, here are some teaching ideas for children:

• As the teacher does, ask age-appropriate questions.
• Learn together what a novel virus is, how they are named, why they spread worldwide so quickly, what immunity is, how vaccines are made and why distancing is so important.
• Encourage young children to draw pictures of their teachers or friends or a virus.
• Suggest older children write a poem or story about what is happening. Creativity requires concentration which takes our minds off viruses. This works for parents, too.

EMPOWER YOUR CHILD

Suggest things the child can do to help like send cards, write letters to the doctors and nurses and the first responders.

FAMILY TIME

• Involve children in projects the family can do together like cleaning out the garage and sending before and after photos to grandma and grandpa.
• Don’t forget the power of hugs. When we are worried or grieving, human contact helps. Hugs are a palpable demonstration of love. Have a family hug three times a day, like meals.
• Turn off the TV. Don’t bombard your child — or yourself — with repeated horrors. However, use the computer and cellphone to connect with loved ones you cannot go visit, especially grandparents like me. (It is my lifeline)
• If possible, utilize nature, our universal healer. Take walks in deserted areas, plant a garden with the children, look at the moon and stars and clouds together
• Structure the day. Set up a family hour when you are all together, hopefully sharing ways to cope. Don’t forget to have a mom/dad hour, too.

After reading Joshua’s notes, I remember how sensitive my children were to my moods, how they hated mom/dad spats, and disliked a house in an uproar — even if it was caused by painting the walls, not a pandemic. If mom and dad are gloom and doom the kids pick up the negative vibes.

Pretend you are taking acting lessons and learn how to “put on a happy face.” This does not contradict my comments above about sharing and being honest. We are grown-ups and can tolerate ambiguity. When your children give you a message like Joshua’s, listen. Repeat many times that things will get better, school will start, and you will be protected.

Look at the bright side with your children. We are a family and we have all this time at home together. Let’s cook new dishes, build a dog house or a bird feeder, start a reading hour when parents and children read aloud to each other. Make face masks … we can always put them away for Halloween. Write notes to each other and letters or emails to loved ones like school friends nearby and grandparents near or far.

Finally, parents, take care of yourselves. Your kids need you. If you are having trouble dealing with this — I certainly am sometimes, but mine is a house with no children and I smile like crazy on FaceTime! — get help. Never has so much help been offered online from exercise and yoga classes to telemedicine to counseling advice. Hang in there together! Picture your child in the future saying to the grandchildren, “Let me tell you about what I did in the Great Pandemic of 2020!”