In April of 2016, one of my columns began, “Civility, 2016. Does it even exist in this country nowadays?”
More than two years have passed. Things are much worse. I am now more upset by the lack of civility in our nation. I am even more worried about our children…those cute little copycats we love … growing up in an uncivil land. Are they doomed to be uncivil?
Just think about today’s political scene, the filthy language on social media and TV, the surety on each side that we are right and the opposition is wrong, the pandering to become “news” as though ratings and numbers of re-tweets is all that matters in governance today.
The definition of civility has not changed. It is still “courteous behavior, politeness.” The word comes from the Latin, civilis, that derives from civis, meaning citizen. Can civilization survive without civil citizens? Can democracy survive without the civil discourse needed to create and preserve the laws that make and keep us civilized?
In my earlier life in medical education I was impressed by the wisdom of one physician-educator at a meeting to discuss what students should know before being graduated from medical school.
The meeting was deteriorating fast. Representatives from each discipline fought to be heard. Wise Physician managed to get the floor to quietly say, “Let’s look at this from what we want the new intern to know on Day 1. Me? I want the new doctor to know how to take a history, do a physical exam, come up with a rudimentary plan of treatment and do it all kindly.”
The atmosphere of the meeting changed from adversarial to cooperative. Civility reigned.
Parents, let’s copy this approach. Let’s start by thinking about the kind of person we want our child to become.
I want the adult every child becomes to be a person who understands the importance of respect in a civil society. Children must be treated with respect and respect for others must be instilled in them from a very early age. Civility starts with respect for others.
Respecting the feelings and rights of others is the foundation of democracy because in a democracy all citizens matter. Teach your children the skills of respect like empathy (how would you feel?), fairness, tolerance, and how to embrace diversity. And don’t forget to teach your children respect for things (we don’t write on library books) and respect for the environment — it’s the only one we have.
Respect for others, even those you do not agree with means speaking with civility. Name-calling, put downs, sarcasm all hurt. Swearing and crude language is a pollutant that shows disrespect for everyone.
Respect for others gives us the room to have civil discourse with a person who disagrees with you. It means learning how to argue in respectful ways.
My father was a gentleman and a gentle man. He taught me to listen carefully, especially when the other person does not share your viewpoint. Life has taught me that when I feel strongly about supporting an issue, it is likely the other person feels as strongly as I do about opposing the issue.
I now seek common ground.
One big advantage of respectful argument is that time, thinking about what your opponent said, and research into the topic can help both opponents find enough common ground for another discussion.
Finally, most important is the ability to reason. Children must learn critical thinking, rationality, and thoughtful decision-making at home and in school.
I realize how hard this. The basis of critical-thinking is truth. Facts cannot be made up to suit each side. Science cannot be denied or confused with dogma. Parents need to teach nuance in the sense of imparting both sides of an issue.
How do we do this? I don’t know. Young children need certainty to make sense of their world. Somehow as our children mature we must teach them we live in a time when truth has to be cherished more than ever before and share the fact that we live in a land where many people have a different “truth.”
When parents ask me how to deal with a difficult matter they do not condone, I suggest they start with and emphasize family solidarity. “Our family does not talk like that about people.” “We don’t insult people or say anything that makes somebody feel bad.” Talk about why it is wrong to demean groups of people. Tell your children what democracy means and how bringing diverse peoples together strengthens our nation.
Take the high road. As Michelle Obama said, “When they go low, we go high.” Don’t let yourself be dragged down by the incivility of others. Don’t be disparaging or sarcastic about those who hold an opposite opinion.
Teach media literacy. Watch together and ask children questions like “Why do you suppose the channel keeps repeating that clip?” Teach your children the difference between facts and opinions. Fact check together what is being said.
Never miss an opportunity to point out that, despite the fact we all enjoy being with our own family and identity group, we are one people on a fragile planet. We cannot let ourselves be affected or pulled apart by rude sound bytes no matter how high a position is held by the person spewing such uncivil and undemocratic words.
