Two of my favorite words are tolerance and kindness. How can we teach our children to be tolerant and treat people with kindness in a world of incivility? How did we get so divided?
We are divided because many of us see the world peopled with βusβ and βthem.β Are we really so different? Must race, nationality, and political beliefs divide us?
What has happened to βE Pluribus Unumβ β the words on the great seal of the United States that translate into βOut of Many, Oneβ? Why are we so indifferent to the words of Emma Lazarus at our Statue of Liberty, βGive me your tired, your poor, Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, The wretched refuse of your teeming shore. Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me, I lift my lamp beside the golden door!β I get teary just thinking how lucky I am to live in a land that has a statue to liberty.
Every human being is unique but all human beings are really very much alike. How do we know this? Our genome tells us. For one, 99.9 of the DNA each of us has in of our cells is identical to every other personβs DNA. I realized how alike we are long before anybody knew about DNA genetics. As a medical student I could see no difference between a draped black patient and white patient on the operating table. All patients have the same organs and red blood. To ruin the day for any science deniers reading this, 99 percent of our DNA is identical to our nearest relative, the chimpanzee.
How different is the DNA of a white human being from a black human being? Just a smidgeon β 0.01 percent. This tiny difference is mostly in skin color genes. Black people in Africa need lots of melanin in their skin to prevent sunburn in hot climates. White people in Scandinavia need pale skin so they can absorb every bit of vitamin D from the sun.
Why then is racism such a problem? We are all humans. We are all Homo sapiens, Latin for wise man. I just Googled βhuman racesβ and what popped up first was sneakers for me to buy! Algorithms are not racist.
Why are so many of us either racist or, at the least, conscious of race as βthe other?β Obviously we donβt go around measuring peopleβs DNA. But we use our senses. We can usually see the difference in skin color or features so we label such persons as black or Asian. We may hear language or accent differences. We can smell and taste cooking differences (Yummy, I love Oriental food!)
But if we use our brain and the knowledge our collective brains have accumulated, we must realize and accept that we are all members of the human race and there are just minuscule differences between us.
The human race is not very old, about 200,000 years. In this short time we walked all over the world and on the moon. Recognizing βthe otherβ creature not like us kept us from being eaten by saber-toothed tigers. This is a good example of βsurvival of the fittest,β to quote Darwin. The ones who recognized they were different from tigers survived, the others were eaten.
We are also a tribal mammal. The ones who recognized a member of another, possibly dangerous, tribe got to their weapons first and survived. It was to our advantage to know the difference between βusβ and βthem.β
So our surviving ancestors passed on the skills to recognize others. Now that we know there is such a tiny difference between us, we can relax and use our sight to read and our smell/taste to seek out good ethnic restaurants.
We donβt have to love or even like every person on the planet. But we do have to teach our children tolerance of βthe other.β Tolerance is βthe ability or willingness to tolerate something, in particular the existence of opinions or behavior that one does not necessarily agree with.β
Tolerance means respect. Years ago I advised parents to embrace the Three Rβs of respect, responsibility, and reason.
Respect starts with respecting the child: criticizing the behavior not the child, modeling and teaching respectful behavior, explaining empathy and fairness, and insisting on respect for things so they donβt write on a library book or litter on the trail. Responsibility includes doing chores and both bringing homework home and completing it. Reason comprises rational and critical thinking, not just believing a sound bite.
Teaching values has never been more crucial. Parents and grandparents have a very big job to do. Start with teaching and reinforcing the Golden Rule, a version of which is in every religion. Take children with you when you deliver food or toys to those less fortunate.
Explain the hazards of lying and the importance of telling the truth. Encourage children to figure things out. Have family discussions about controversial topics.
Enjoy the comfortable closeness of family traditions and foods in the holiday season. If there were a βfood genomeβ I bet our taste buds and noses are more like the ones in members of our own family than of others. We all enjoy the comforts of tradition and familiarity.
However, at least for the holidays, letβs avoid fights about politics. Ensure that your time together is peaceful by being tolerant and kind. My parents taught me it was wrong to talk about politics or money at the holiday table and to avoid arguments, as they are bad for the digestion.
However they did encourage discussion and even genteel arguing at our own dinner table. My father loved to teach us about science and how things worked. My mother taught us about beauty in the world of art and nature.
Give the gifts of tolerance and kindness this holiday season. Itβs so easy. No standing in line at checkout, no need to wrap. All you need is the goodness of your generous heart. Happy Holidays!
