We live and raise our children in troubling times. Never has parental sexuality education and avoidance of gender stereotyping been more important.
Women have made great strides in access to careers and jobs though they still lag behind in salary equity and advancement. Men, especially those at the top, have blatantly demonstrated that power is truly an aphrodisiac. Thus sexual harassment is headline news these days.
We all know that males and females are different and we learn this very early. From the very beginning parents and everybody else including Hallmark refer to a new baby as “It’s a Girl!” If you say to a girl as young as 18 months, “What a cute boy you are!” she will laugh or shake her head. This knowledge … the basic identification of self as male or female … is called core gender identity and is firmly established well before the age of 3.
There are other biological differences between the sexes. Men are usually bigger and stronger than women. Sex-specific diseases like hemophilia occur in males only. Women use both sides of the brain to process emotions, men just one.
Both men and women need each other to pass on their genes and both genders have a powerful sex drive that helps ensure this will happen. Related to sex drive are psychological differences. Margaret Atwood noted, “Men are afraid women will laugh at them and women are afraid men will kill them.” Fortunately most courtships survive so the human race can!
In addition to gender identity, children acquire gender roles by adopting those behaviors which society says goes with each gender. Gender roles are culturally determined factors. Gender role stereotypes result when human characteristics that either men or women can have, such as nurturance or compliance or athletic ability, are seen as biologically determined absolutes. Society still tells us that girls are docile and compliant and boys are tough and aggressive. Such messages affect parenting.
Sexism uses gender role stereotyping but goes much further. It is based on the belief that there is a natural hierarchy and men belong at the top. A feminist definition of a patriarchal society is that it consists of a male-dominated power structure throughout organized society and in individual relationships.
Such a misguided notion damages healthy personality development in both girls and boys. Girls may feel they should not be assertive because it is not expected of them. Boys grow up afraid to express feelings which can adversely affect relationships with women.
The culture we now live in is toxic. Lack of civility, foul language, xenophobia, racism and sexism abound. Parents and grandparents today must both avoid sexist child-rearing and also “interpret” our crazy world for their children. What a tough job!
Sexism and sex-stereotyping hurts both men and women. Let’s start out by agreeing that sexist child-rearing is bad for our children and society. What can parents specifically do to help their daughters become comfortably assertive and their sons grow up to be respectful of women rather than harassers?
First, avoid sex-role stereotyping in your household. Be especially careful when assigning chores. Ask both boys and girls to set the table and do yard work. Parents need to model egalitarian chore behavior and teach both boys and girls formerly gender-specific skills like changing a tire or sewing on a button.
Raise every girl with the expectation she will be able to support herself. Raise every boy with the expectation that he will be able to care for children and do household chores. (I audaciously told my 12-year-old son, loudly complaining about doing the dishes, if he wanted to find any women to sleep with when he grew up he better know how to wash dishes!)
Monitor TV, school and books so you can interpret what the child is exposed to. Of course men as well as women can purchase and change diapers and women can be astronauts and astrophysicists.
Be sure there are role models in your daughter’s life so she can see for herself that women make good doctors. Help sons realize that caring for others is a human trait and that men make good nurses.
Be vigilant about degrading or derogatory remarks made about women. Point out to your daughter how awful such put-downs are. But more important tell your sons how disgusting and hurtful these remarks are. Share your own experiences.
Encourage daughters to be more concerned about who they are and what they know than about how they look. Author Letty Cottin Pogrebin says, “Attractiveness is no achievement; it’s a triumph of artifice superimposed on lucky genes.”
Teach your daughters to have personal courage. Gender-linked timidity (feeling and acting timid because it is expected of girls) is a barrier to women. Personal courage includes being able to say no and mean it when there is unwanted touch or sexual advances. Role play to emphasize this.
New York Times columnist Annie Pfiefer said it best urging parents to not shield their children from conflict. “I want my daughter to learn to say no confidently and unapologetically. Dealing with conflict is also about standing up for yourself as a woman whether a man is talking over you at a meeting or trying to engage in unwanted sexual behavior”
Give your sons permission to have tenderness and sensitivity. Praise expressions of empathy and kindness.
I heard a couple of men talk about the recent epidemic of sexual harassment. They heartily agreed all males are sexually aggressive by nature implying, “Get used to it, ladies.” This may be true for many. However there is another component to human behavior that we call nurture. Nature and nurture … genes and parenting … both affect behavior to varying degrees. Marketing and what is seen on screens has an enormous, often unrecognized effect on our behavior. But I believe parents can say no to outrageous outfits for little girls and teens, limit unsavory screen stuff, and use “parent propaganda” about civil behavior.
Parents, grandparents, teachers, legislators — let’s all work together to raise and teach our boys and girls in a nonsexist way and detoxify our culture. Let’s all try to change things so that gender stereotyping and sexual harassment will be recognized and diminish.
The key is how we raise both our sons and daughters.
