Dear Amy: When two people first meet and the guy wants to have sex, why is it that many women say, βI am not that kind of girl, and I need to get to know you betterβ?
That is actually a big lie that women tell. After all, if the guy who wanted to have sex with them was George Clooney, itβs unthinkable that they would say to him, βIβm not that kind of girl.β
Every woman is βthat kind of girlβ with a select few men under the right circumstances.
Why canβt they just say the following: βI have enjoyed our evening, and, although I appreciate your sexual attraction toward me, I do not feel the same way; however, I wish you well in your future endeavors.β
What is wrong with saying something as honest and as heartfelt as that?
I call women on this all the time on dates, and they are speechless, because they know I have caught them in a lie. Suffice to say, I have no interest in a second date, and I move on.
I find this line of thinking disingenuous. Any thoughts?
β Sam from Los Angeles, CA
Dear Sam: If you approached this with more respectful humility and less angry swagger, you might, just possibly, get lucky. Maybe thatβs how George Clooney does it.
You are probably correct that when women tell you βIβm not that kind of girl,β they are being disingenuous. They are politely trying to let you off the hook by giving you a version of, βItβs not you, itβs me.β You respond to this politeness by aggressively calling them out, immediately letting these women know they made the right choice. Whew!
And, by the way, many women are in fact βnot those kinds of girls.β These are people who wait to know someone before they become sexually intimate. This wisdom protects them from complicated encounters with people like you.
If you anticipate every first date expecting sex after dinner, you should tell the woman beforehand, not after. Then she can turn you down in advance and save both of you the price of a meal.
Dear Amy: I met βSteveβ two years ago. We hang out at our local bar and go on outings.
A mutual friend told me that Steve is too shy to openly confess his feelings for me, so last year I told him that I had romantic and sexual feelings for him. He said he was not sure of his feelings for me.
We went out drinking and he took me back to his place. I tried to kiss him. He was shocked and said he hoped I didnβt think he was trying to βcome onβ to me.
Once we were both sober, we talked and he told me (again) that he wasnβt sure about being a couple.
We decided we would work on the friendship and it has recovered to its previous point.
I have been content, but recently several friends have told me that Steve talks about having feelings for me when he is drunk. He denies this.
Should we have a sit-down conversation about our feelings again? Or should I just be content with this friendship, even if he is lying about his feelings?
β Confused
Dear Confused:
You two have been doing this dance for a long time now. But romance shouldnβt be so hard. If he is interested in you, he is going to have to deal with you directly, both verbally and through his actions. Drunken statements overheard by drunk people donβt count.
