Sure! Yes! I'll have a cup o' joe!!!

If caffeine is like alcohol and tricks you into thinking you’re funnier than you are, then, I’m sorry to say, this might not be my most hilarious column. To you.

I, however, am LOLing at myself.

Oh my god, this is awesome. I have had double my usual amount of espresso — which is then quadruple diluted with either water or skim milk, which is still water — and I feel both fiendishly witty and unstoppable. Caffeine is AMAZING.

And to think, I never used to need it.

In fact, I used to tell people I was naturally caffeinated. I really and truly felt like I had tons of energy and could stay up late and go out with friends after 8 p.m. on a weeknight.

That was all in my 20s — before children and well before I had a calendar filled with 90 or 100 things every day, with only one or two of those items actually being of my own doing. No, back in my 20s, all I had to worry about was how late I’d sleep in on the weekend and when I’d hit the gym and at which movie theater would I watch the premiere of the latest, just-released blockbuster.

Yeah, I really hate 20-something me.

The other day, I was grabbing an 11 a.m. pick-me-up bonus cup o’ cold-brewed joe at a local shop when a mom with a cute baby in a stroller was telling me how she was limiting herself to three or four cups — a day.

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Wow, I told her, that’s impressive. I said I didn’t ever remember drinking the stuff when the kids were little, but I sure drink it now.

How did you not need coffee then? she wondered.

I stopped to think. Huh. What’s the difference? Things, in many ways, are much easier these days. I don’t have to follow them around constantly to make sure they’re not going to stick a finger in the electrical socket or ingest nonfood items.

Then, it dawned on me.

Back then, they NAPPED. There was at least a break for some part of the day. And, they crashed by 8 p.m. Now they’re all awake foreeeeeever. One of them is usually poking me awake to say good night.

And so, I caffeinate.

To get the full benefits of caffeine intake, I slurp down java exactly one hour after I get up. Really, though, coffee is a means to an end rather than something I enjoy consuming. Some days, though, you just need a little extra. Like today.

I’ve had — I think — double my usual amount of espresso and look out, because I am EN FUEGO and by that I mean I have already made 24 HILARIOUS comments on Facebook and when I checked to see if anyone had responded to my latest pithy post, I saw that it was actually 17 minutes ago and, holy cow, that just seems impossible because time is flying — FLYING — and in fact, I kinda feel like I’m flying and my fingers are, like, bionic or something and racing across the keyboard because I’m typing so fast that there’s a lag before words even show up on the screen and I’m pretty sure I’m moving faster than the rest of the world and it’s like no one can even keep up, but I’m wondering if I’m maybe going too fast because now I can’t remember inputting all that boring stuff at the online checkout for the hoodie I just bought, like I don’t remember filling out my address or credit card info and — oh my god — could those Hostess maple-glazed Donettes be reacting to the caffeine coursing through my veins because I am really starting to feel weird and tingly and kind of unstoppable, like I’m some sort of superhero columnist inhuman and all I can say is, look out, Tim Steller, because at this rate, I’m heading over to the metro section and writing your column, too.