I salute fathers on their special day, especially those many fathers who actively and wholeheartedly participate in raising their children.
Mothers usually get top billing and recognition. Mother’s Day was officially proclaimed in 1914 but fathers had to wait until 1972 for their day. Father’s Day gifts and cards last year totaled $12.5 billion while mothers got $19.9 billion worth of goodies. This gift gap is an annual phenomenon.
But the importance of fathers to their children must not be denied or ignored. Fathers provide much more than half of the child’s genetic material. They provide a second pair of hands especially needed in care of the young. They serve as an additional source of the unconditional love that is essential to every child. A father brings in money, teaches specific “guy” things, and is the adult male role model.
In traditional societies the extended family helped in child-rearing. Today all the parenting tasks fall to Mom and Dad. It’s obvious that a mother employed outside the home needs child-rearing help. But even if the mother stays at home, fathers need to be involved. Children must learn how to interact with and react to lots of people.
Participatory fatherhood is actually one of the best things that could happen to children. The “Dick and Jane” family where Daddy goes to work and aproned Mommy stays home had a downside. Many children perceived their father as distant, hard to get close to. But today’s father has been liberated from the stereotype of the impersonal man. Men are not afraid or ashamed to experience emotional closeness to their child.
Today men are spending more time with their children and helping more around the house than ever before. Many fathers are the principal caregivers during the day when most of parenting takes place. Some of these are unemployed, some work opposite shifts from the mother, some are single parents raising children on their own.
I celebrate all fathers who are involved in their children’s lives and encourage those who are not to do so. Dr. Spock wrote that, “Not one mother or father has ever said to me that they regretted spending too much time with their children.” He adds that countless parents regret not spending more time with the kids when they could.
My own father worked long hours. But when he came home he always paid attention to me and made me feel special. I treasure the memories of our time together. He surprised me with a homemade swing he hung in the tree. He taught me to swim, play chess, and find the constellations in the sky. An engineer, he always carried a slide rule in his shirt pocket as well as a notebook and sharp pencils so he could write down questions that piqued his curiosity. He patiently helped me with my math homework and, more important, helped me get over my fear of math. His questions taught me to think and his curiosity about the world encouraged my own. When I started college he suggested I go to one of the Boston newspapers and offer to write college news for them. They hired me and paid me a dollar an inch. This job gave me confidence in my writing skills.
I remember my father’s encouragement. I can still hear him saying to me, a day after my sixth birthday, for example, “A big girl like you, almost seven years old, of course you can do it!” My father believed in me and because of this I learned to believe in my self. I instinctively knew as a child how important my father’s time and attention were. Now I know that high expectations coupled with gentle encouragement are the essence of good parenting.
My father’s skills in inspiring the young carried on to the next generation. He built a miniature steam engine that the grandkids could fire up (under supervision) and encouraged their curiosity by introducing big concepts. After a visit to Grandpa my 6-year-old son gave me a big hug and said, “I love you to infinity and back again.” He had learned infinity was something very big.
I have watched my son become a loving and encouraging father to his 4-year-old son. Jeb, a musician who works mainly nights, is the full-time day parent. He and Joshua look for animals and rocks on their walks. They go to the zoo and talk about evolution. I suspect they may have talked about infinity because recently when it was time to leave the house, Josh said “I can’t go now, Daddy, Just wait twenty-five hundred minutes.” A big number!
In addition to teaching facts, Jeb is teaching Joshua important life lessons. Joshua recently fell off a ladder he was not supposed to go near and bloodied his nose. While being first-aided he said, “You told me not to climb and I didn’t listen, it was my fault Daddy.” When Daddy asked if he wanted to call Dr. Grandma and tell her about the fall his answer was, “No, Daddy, Let’s not, I don’t want to make her feel sad that I was hurt.” Joshua already takes responsibility for his actions and has compassion for others.
Fathers that express their high expectations, use encouragement liberally, teach responsibility, and help children learn compassion deserve to be celebrated.
