For those if you who will be watching the 2016 Republican Convention, here is an exclusive look at the schedule of events in Cleveland:
MONDAY: RNC Chair
Reince Priebus gavels convention open
Call to delegates, Vince McMahon, βLetβs get ready to rumble!β
βPro-Trumpβ, βDump Trumpβ delegates rumble
Priebus ducks, tear gas is sprayed, arenaβs sprinkler system goes off
Chris Christie crushes 9 delegates, 7 hospitalized, 3 with traffic cone injuries
Call for order ignored
Trump calls on delegates to stop beating each other, βBeat black protesters outside arena, instead.β
Recess, delegates sent outside
βLatinos Love Trump!β luncheon, meal courtesy of βTaco Bowlβ
Moment of silence for βLittle Marco Rubioβ
Immigration Committee Report, βClean our toilets, not our clocksβ
βBenghazi Nightβ re-enactment of attack by Ladies of the Eagle Forum
Remarks: Andrew Dice Clay, βHillaryβs Looksβ
TUESDAY: Trumpβs name placed into nomination
Invocation by Jerry Springer
Posting of the colors, throwing of the chairs
Honey Boo Boo recites Pledge of Allegiance
Trump asks delegates to beat anti-Trump protesters inside arena
Remarks: Dennis Rodman, βTrump steaks rockβ
Remarks: Hulk Hogan, βTrump University rulesβ
Recess, shop for autographed copies of Donald Trumpβs βArt of the Dealβ in vendor area
Note: Sen.Mitch McConnell, Sen. John McCain and Mitt Romney cannot be present because of prior engagement judging jackrabbit skinning contest in Twin Buttes, Wyoming
βWomen Love Trump!β luncheon
Toddlers in Tiaras re-enact highlights from Trump beauty pageants through the years
βFor the ladiesβ event: Sen.Ted Cruz demonstrates how to cook bacon on the hot muzzle of a fired AK-47. BYOG (Bring Your Own Gun)
Remarks: Gov. Jan Brewer, βHey, Donny, I could still be your vice president, dang itβ and tanning booth etiquette
Abortion platform committee affirms plank: Conception begins at foreplay
Sarah Palin shoots a moose
Nominating speech by Vladimir Putin, βThe manβs a geniusβ
Trump University Glee Club sings βTrump U!β
Video, Special Olympics tribute, βJust kidding around!β Trump mocks disabled winners
Roll call for nomination of Donald Trump to be president of the United States
Ted Nugent shoots a duck
WEDNESDAY: Vice Presidential nominee speaks
Speaker Paul Ryan calls convention to order
Delegates beat one another with placards, heckle Ryan
Sylvester Stallone recites Pledge of Allegiance to Donald Trump
Remarks: Newt Gingrich, βWhat are Republican family values? I slept with Donaldβs 8th wife, heβs the father of my 4th wife, and Iβm fooling around with his 2nd.β
Second Amendment platform committee affirms porn more dangerous than semi-automatic weapons, calls for in-depth study of porn.
Video, βHe knew how to kill terroristsβ tribute to Saddam Hussein, written, produced by Trump
Vice presidential nominee Mike Pence speaks
Tea party potluck, Kool-Aid provided
THURSDAY: Trump
addresses convention
Cast of Duck Dynasty performs national anthem with duck calls
Moment of silence for John McCainβs soul
Remarks: Ivanka Trump, βMy dad is so cool. He wants to date me.β
Remarks: Donald Jr., βWhy not a monarchy? Now, more than everβ
Republican Presidential nominee Donald J.Trump speaks, βWeβre going to win so much youβre going to be sick of winning. Really sick. Youβre going to be vomiting constantly.β
Elvis impersonators hand out keepsake dog whistles, racial innuendo decoder rings
Porky Pig hologram adjourns convention