Exclusive interview with Tucson's newest retiree, Bruce Wayne

Where is Luke Skywalker in the new “Star Wars” trailer? He’s nowhere to be found. Why? I’ll tell you. He’s retired. These days Skywalker uses an actual walker to toddle around Tattooine. Wonder Woman is 74 and these days the old Amazon uses her golden lasso to keep from slipping in the tub. And get this! Charlie Brown has grandchildren.

I knew the Boomers were retiring in droves but I never saw this coming:

Item — The most expensive real estate in Tucson was sold today by realtor Pepper Schlangenmeyer to retired philanthropist Bruce Wayne, who purchased a home on 20 acres in the upscale Tortolita Estates for $4.5 million. Wayne said he has no plans for the cave on the property.

We sat down and talked. “Beautiful autumn day isn’t it?” I asked.

“Love it. Excuse me. Sat on my cape. There, that’s better.”

“Why Tucson?”

“The day Robin said I was too old to drive the Batmobile at night I realized it was time to get out of the bat race. I’d been looking for a place to retire ever since Catwoman got her AARP card. When I found out how much Tucson loves bats I knew this was the place for me. People here gather by the hundreds just to watch the bats come out at sunset. I feel right at home.”

“Those are Mexican free-tailed bats.”

“I know what they are. I’m the Batman.”

I asked if he gets recognized.

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“The other day I was in Whole Foods. Where else would a millionaire shop, right? Lady comes up to me. She says, ‘You’re Batman aren’t you?’ and I say, ‘What gave it away, Poison Ivy, the cape?” And she says, ‘You’re a rude old man. Getting old’s a drag, isn’t it? Depends are next aisle over.’ That hurt more than a Bat-a-rang to the old back 40.”

“Ever see the old gang?”

“Robin is coming to visit in April. The Joker is living in a group home in Sun City. The Incredible Hulk told me he heard the Joker got caught throwing tainted prune juice at the other residents and is confined to his bed. The Riddler has been ruining Sundays at his assisted living center by solving the New York Times crossword puzzle before anyone else and blabbing the answers in the dining hall.”

“Still fight crime?”

“Sometimes the Chief flashes the old bat beacon on the side of the old Lawyer’s Title building when they need me. Kids these days — they don’t know! They think it’s just another ad for a trendy downtown restaurant serving fried bat. Three days ago I saved a poodle from a coyote. And then I took a terrific bat nap.

“And I will tell you I’ve been monitoring Ally Miller and John Kromko. Yesterday they fled to Mogadishu to establish a lawless tax-free utopia called “Malcontentia.” They declared the gadfly their state insect. To think all this time I thought the Penguin was the mastermind behind the plot to shut down the red light cameras!“

“Holy short-term memory loss! Have you seen my Bat-pod? I seemed to have misplaced it. Along with the keys to the Bat-mobile. Can you believe it? I had to bum a ride from Mayor Rothschild after the battle to save D-M from Mr. Freeze this morning.”

“Tell us about your Bat blog,” I said.

“I’ll read you today’s entry: Oct. 24: Robin never writes, never calls. So ungrateful. Some days I just sit on my Bat rocker, staring at my Bat phone, going completely batty, waiting for a call. Thor said I should volunteer with the Sheriff’s Auxiliary. Aquaman brought over a casserole on Wednesday. On Thursday Underdog and I picked up candy for trick-or-treaters at Costco. Yesterday I caught the Penguin pouring Poligrip denture powder into Reid Park lake, cackling about ‘poisoning the town’s water supply.’ It’s sad, really. The old bird has really lost it.

“Today, overall, was a great Autumn day here in the desert. Today I felt like the old Batman, flying across Skyline in the Batmobile, top down, cape flapping in the cool desert breeze. I don’t miss Gotham one bit. I love Tucson. Biff, bam and pow, it’s a great place to retire.”