Where is Luke Skywalker in the new โStar Warsโ trailer? Heโs nowhere to be found. Why? Iโll tell you. Heโs retired. These days Skywalker uses an actual walker to toddle around Tattooine. Wonder Woman is 74 and these days the old Amazon uses her golden lasso to keep from slipping in the tub. And get this! Charlie Brown has grandchildren.
I knew the Boomers were retiring in droves but I never saw this coming:
Item โ The most expensive real estate in Tucson was sold today by realtor Pepper Schlangenmeyer to retired philanthropist Bruce Wayne, who purchased a home on 20 acres in the upscale Tortolita Estates for $4.5 million. Wayne said he has no plans for the cave on the property.
We sat down and talked. โBeautiful autumn day isnโt it?โ I asked.
โLove it. Excuse me. Sat on my cape. There, thatโs better.โ
โWhy Tucson?โ
โThe day Robin said I was too old to drive the Batmobile at night I realized it was time to get out of the bat race. Iโd been looking for a place to retire ever since Catwoman got her AARP card. When I found out how much Tucson loves bats I knew this was the place for me. People here gather by the hundreds just to watch the bats come out at sunset. I feel right at home.โ
โThose are Mexican free-tailed bats.โ
โI know what they are. Iโm the Batman.โ
I asked if he gets recognized.
โThe other day I was in Whole Foods. Where else would a millionaire shop, right? Lady comes up to me. She says, โYouโre Batman arenโt you?โ and I say, โWhat gave it away, Poison Ivy, the cape?โ And she says, โYouโre a rude old man. Getting oldโs a drag, isnโt it? Depends are next aisle over.โ That hurt more than a Bat-a-rang to the old back 40.โ
โEver see the old gang?โ
โRobin is coming to visit in April. The Joker is living in a group home in Sun City. The Incredible Hulk told me he heard the Joker got caught throwing tainted prune juice at the other residents and is confined to his bed. The Riddler has been ruining Sundays at his assisted living center by solving the New York Times crossword puzzle before anyone else and blabbing the answers in the dining hall.โ
โStill fight crime?โ
โSometimes the Chief flashes the old bat beacon on the side of the old Lawyerโs Title building when they need me. Kids these days โ they donโt know! They think itโs just another ad for a trendy downtown restaurant serving fried bat. Three days ago I saved a poodle from a coyote. And then I took a terrific bat nap.
โAnd I will tell you Iโve been monitoring Ally Miller and John Kromko. Yesterday they fled to Mogadishu to establish a lawless tax-free utopia called โMalcontentia.โ They declared the gadfly their state insect. To think all this time I thought the Penguin was the mastermind behind the plot to shut down the red light cameras!โ
โHoly short-term memory loss! Have you seen my Bat-pod? I seemed to have misplaced it. Along with the keys to the Bat-mobile. Can you believe it? I had to bum a ride from Mayor Rothschild after the battle to save D-M from Mr. Freeze this morning.โ
โTell us about your Bat blog,โ I said.
โIโll read you todayโs entry: Oct. 24: Robin never writes, never calls. So ungrateful. Some days I just sit on my Bat rocker, staring at my Bat phone, going completely batty, waiting for a call. Thor said I should volunteer with the Sheriffโs Auxiliary. Aquaman brought over a casserole on Wednesday. On Thursday Underdog and I picked up candy for trick-or-treaters at Costco. Yesterday I caught the Penguin pouring Poligrip denture powder into Reid Park lake, cackling about โpoisoning the townโs water supply.โ Itโs sad, really. The old bird has really lost it.
โToday, overall, was a great Autumn day here in the desert. Today I felt like the old Batman, flying across Skyline in the Batmobile, top down, cape flapping in the cool desert breeze. I donโt miss Gotham one bit. I love Tucson. Biff, bam and pow, itโs a great place to retire.โ
