Billy βNose Pickerβ Dominguez, the 9-year old emcee, stood on a crate behind the cardboard podium with βI love momβ written in crayon on the front.
βLadies and Germs. Welcome to our first annual Motherβs Day Roast of Mom. Iβm your host, Billy. Just a little note here. Ticket sale proceeds for this Motherβs Day Roast of Mom will go to taking mom out for a decent breakfast Sunday morning at the Jerry Bobβs of her choice.β
Billy acknowledged the special guests in the audience with them today.
βSanchez, our Chihuahua, and Gomez, the hamster. Also I want to thank our sponsor, Dad, for all his help with this Motherβs Day Roast. Before we get started, I just want you to know we have some silent auction items for you to bid on. Tell them what we have, Dad.β
βWell, Billy, weβve got a report card from 1989 autographed by our guest of honor, a vintage box of macaroni and cheese, a Macayoβs sombrero mug, a Kachina thatβs missing a head and a baby shower invitation from 1983. All priceless items!β
βThank you, Dad! Hey, Pop, how is it you and Mom have stayed together all these years?β
βI havenβt been inside the house since 1963. Iβm either changing cooler pads on the roof or raking gravel in the driveway. Iβm heading for the roof now.β
βAll right, Dad! To get things started, Iβd like to welcome my big sister, Carmen, up to the podium. When sheβs not dating felons, sheβs writing her number on porta-potty walls at the Pima County Fair. Please welcome the only woman I know with her own historical marker at the end of Swan, my horrible sister, Carmen.β
βYou are such a liar. I hate you. Stay out of my room.
βMom, for all the times you nursed me, fed me and changed my diapers, I just want to say βthank you.β And for all those nights I kept you up late, wondering where I was and making you sick with worry β I made this beer coaster for you, out of an actual beer coaster.β
Carmen hugged her mom. She was weeping like the Fountains of Bellagio. βMija! Thank you, sweetheart. Itβs wonderful.β
βI got to go now.β
βSo soon? Canβt you stay for the rest of the banquet? I made macaroni and cheese burritos.β
βThank you, sis. Next up is Momβs mom. All the way from Three Points, itβs Grandma Higgins!β
βThank you, Billy. I would like to say something about all of my kids. You never know how beautiful and amazing life can be until you have kids. And then itβs too damned late.β
βWhoβd you steal that joke from, Grandma? Moses? And now itβs my turn to say a few words on this Motherβs Day about our guest of honor.
βMom, thanks for nursing us through measles, chicken pox, runny noses, skinned knees and the occasional broken heart. You are so tough and tender, God must have crossed Delilah and Mrs. Doubtfire with Thelma and Louise. And thank you, Mom, for sparing my life on countless occasions that may have involved fire crackers, BB guns, slingshots, graffiti, plumbing issues, pack rats, wardrobe malfunctions, jalapeΓ±os, bows and arrows, pop flies, rubber cement, incontinence, ladder-related injuries, rattlers, water balloons, Tiki torches, bobcats, hot sauce or rabid skunks.
βYou always taught us right from wrong, and you werenβt afraid to use unconventional methods. And last, but not least, thank you for all the amazing mac and cheese.
βMom, you get the final word.β
Wiping the tears away with a beach towel, Mom took to the cardboard podium.
βWell, thank you for this. This is so much nicer than breakfast in bed or jewelry or flowers. When you and your sister would make breakfast I thought the cast of βStompβ was in my kitchen. Youβd trigger the smoke alarm, a salmonella outbreak and a warning from the Pima County Health Department. But nothing says love like a barely thawed frozen burrito, cold coffee and a Dixie cup full of desert marigolds from Mr. Wongβs yard. Seriously, this is the best Motherβs Day Roast I have ever had. I canβt wait to see what you come up with tomorrow morning.
βCarmen, wherever you are, and Billy β and Sanchez and Gomez β this was a great roast. Now whoβs going to clean up this mess? Whoβs ready to help? Hey, where did everybody go? Hey! You know I can hear you on the roof with your father. β