Fitz: Monsooner or later this column was inevitable

I’m taking the day off to watch clouds with my pals at the Arroyo Cafe. Taking my place today is Tucson’s great local TV meteorologist Phil Arroyo, who will answer all your questions about our rainy season. Phil graduated from Tortolita Junior College with an associate degree in cloud studies, with a minor in map pointing. Earlier this week Phil invited folks to float him their monsoon questions in waterproof bottles.

Dear Phil:

Is this Atlantis? When it rains the streets turn into rivers! Last week I was passed on Columbus Boulevard by an ark. What can I do besides drive in snorkel gear?

Lloyd

Dear Lloyd:

Try alternative travel during our rainy season. There are a number of river rafting companies serving the Tucson area that are more than happy to get you across town, with stops for hikes and gourmet meals along the way. Last August I took a three-day crosstown rafting trip from Houghton to Greasewood. It was a great summer getaway, aside from our harrowing encounters with an octopus driving a Dodge Dart and a pothole full of piranhas.

Dear Phil:

Is it monsoon or monsoons?

Petey

Dear Petey:

I avoid the great debate entirely by calling it a chubasco. You may be interested to know my favorite condiment, chubasco sauce, is made from rain water collected by tamale farmers along the Chimichanga River.

Dear Phil:

When should I replace my windshield wipers?

Ray

Dear Ray:

If you’re a Tucsonan the answer is simple: Always wait until a downpour. I always let mine dry out until they look like Andy Rooney’s eyebrows. Make sure when you arrive at your neighborhood auto supply store you have reading materials to pass the day while you wait in line behind the other 3,756,456 Tucsonans who used their windshield wipers the last time Noah set sail.

Dear Phil:

When does monsoon season start?

Ravi

Dear Ravi:

The exact hour and minute you wash your car.

The National Weather Service tells me our rainy season runs from June 15 to Sept. 30, with two shows daily, ending with a 10-city tour. Get your tickets early. You’ll want a good seat for the light shows. They’re electrifying. For fun, try watching the spectacle in metal lawn chairs in an open field.

Dear Phil:

What are those bugs called?

Ellen

Dear Ellen:

Bugs.

Dear Phil:

They say that the monsoons bring heavy rains. How heavy is the rain?

Melissa

Dear Melissa:

Some raindrops are heavier than others, a phenomenon due to poor lifestyle choices.

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Dear Phil:

What causes thunder?

Zeke

Dear Zeke:

Some say thunder is caused by angels bowling. That’s ridiculous. Thunder is caused by sky pixies playing around with TNT. Duh.

Dear Phil:

Is lightning dangerous?

Rod

Dear Rod:

Is rain wet? Is chubasco sauce good on scorpion nuggets? The answer is yes.

When lightning strikes an overhanging electrical wire it can turn that wire into a giant rattlesnake. I’ve seen it in power company commercials and it’s terrifying. The famous Rattlesnake Bridge downtown is one such giant electrified snake that ended up being shot by Arizona Game and Fish, skinned by local snake skinners and then stretched, to dry, across Broadway, just east of the downtown underpass. It remains there to this day.

Dear Phil:

Last night the rain was coming off the back porch like Niagara Falls. Never thought I’d see the back side of a waterfall, and in Tucson, Arizona, of all places.

Minnie

Dear Minnie:

Welcome to Disneyland. Tip your riverboat guide and watch out for rubber hippos.

Dear Phil:

After a rain I hear lambs. Am I crazy?

Mary

Dear Mary:

What you are hearing are giant toads. When they croak they sound just like sheep. And that’s no coincidence. The toads are mimicking the call of a lamb in distress in hopes of luring sheep to their doom. I saw a giant 2-ton toad eat a ram once. I could be wrong. I asked my wife what she thought and she said, “Ewe.”

Dear Phil:

Have you seen fire and rain?

James

Dear James:

Is your last name Taylor?

Oftentimes a cloud with a troubled childhood will lash out at a nearby mountain with lightning, causing a forest fire. Next thing you know the same cloud rains on the fire, extinguishing the blaze. This is known as a passive- aggressive weather system. It’s a shame we aren’t willing to invest in the therapy that some unfortunate clouds desperately need.

Dear Phil:

I love driving in the rain. “Do not enter when flooded” means drive on through, right?

Moses

Dear Moses:

Not even if Ramses is behind you and the Promised Land is on the other side of the wash.