Satire alert
Governor Doozy’s thimble-sized aide, Tinkerbell, knew the magic wasn’t working. Years of tax cuts hadn’t stimulated the wizard’s promised economic growth. She flew up into his tower and sat on his shoulder while he sharpened his favorite ax on a grinding wheel. “Doozy, your state will be losing millions every year by the time all your cuts are fully implemented.”
Doozy scoffed. “Tink. Where’s your faith in supply side sorcery? I thought you believed in enchanted economics!”
“More like ‘Voodoo’ economics.”
“Tink, my magic enchanted tax cuts will work! I promise you!”
“When? Thanks to your ‘magic enchanted tax cuts’ you only hauled in half the revenue you expected. You should be as spooked by that as Captain Hook when he hears a clock ticking.”
“Poppycock, Tinkerbell! The magic in this wand will save us all!” Doozy held up his beautiful gleaming golden ax.
“That’s not a wand, sir. That’s an ax.”
“It’s a magic enchanted budget ax, you dragonfly!” Doozy admired it. “I met a magic troll in a wizard’s forest and traded an ice cream franchise for it. Anything I cut with this bewitched budget ax will grow tenfold! Thanks to this enchanted budget ax a magical flood of revenue will soon rain down on Arizona and every fairy and pixie will cheer!”
“It’s not working, Doozy. It never will. Your tribe of Lost Boys have been cutting, cutting and cutting since time began. Every time you cut taxes less revenue comes in and the numbers stay flat. Keep it up and Arizona will be flat broke in no time, like Kansas and every other kingdom that tries this malevolent so-called magic.”
“Tink, I’m surprised at you! As sure as unicorns live in the desert and Gila monsters fly you have to believe cutting taxes will bring great prosperity to our state!” Governor Doozy crowed, tossed pixie dust over his head and flapped his arms. “I know it as surely as I know I can fly — if only I could just find the right happy thoughts. I tried thinking of thousands of public school teachers leaving the state but that didn’t do the trick. Oh, Tink, you’ve got to believe that one day millions of corporations will flock here as surely as gnomes live among the Navajo and pixies eat Prickly Pears.”
“Well, it ain’t happening, Doozy.”
“Give it time, Tink!”
“Maybe your ‘magic wand’ is broken. Ask for a refund.”
“Listen, Tink, I promised when I ran that I would cut taxes every year. Evidence be damned! I meant what I said, and I said what I meant. An elephant’s faithful, one hundred percent! You know who said that? Ronald Reagan.”
“It was Horton the elephant, sir. The Seuss character who hatched an egg.”
“Well, suck on this egg, Tink. I’m going to cut another $30 million in taxes.”
“The state is hemorrhaging and you’re going to cut more? Governor! Every state that has tried this sorcery becomes cursed. Darkness sweeps over the land. Even the trolls and ogres leave.”
“Sorry, Tink. Cutting is what my tribe does. That’s all we know. Well, that and protecting guns from people. And our womenfolk from Planned Parenthood. You know as well as I do, Tink, I got elected to swing my enchanted budget ax like Lizzie Borden at a family reunion — until nothing’s left standing.”
“But, sir, the numbers ... the facts ... after decades of cuts Arizona’s economy is still stagnant. And there’s nothing left to cut.”
“Ha! I’m not letting that stop me. Now where did I leave my enchanted budget ax?”
“In the back of every public school teacher in this state.”
“What?”
“Nothing. It’s over there, by your Dark Money dragon. What are you going to do with it?”
“Make a point. There’s always something to cut! I’m going to use this enchanted budget ax to cut off my nose. Hah ha! I’m Sweeney Todd, the demon tax cutter of Van Buren Street! Yeowch. That’s going to leave a mark. There. It’s done. Hold the ax for me while I bandage my blowhole. Whoa. That’s a gusher.”
“Governor Doozy, you just cut off your nose —”
“— To spite my face. And just you wait! Any day now a hundred noses will grow back on my face. Hand me a towel will you?”
“I’m calling for help.”
“It’s only a small flesh wound, Tink! Have faith! Believe! Watch this. If I cut off my left hand seven will grow back.”
As Doozy lifted his magic enchanted budget ax over the wrist of his left hand, Tink covered her eyes and ears. Far below, outside Governor Doozy’s crumbling castle tower, a pack of ogres ambled along a pitted road. They paid little heed to the strange howling from the tower. They were heading past the rubble, out of town.
