Being a fan of space exploration, I was delighted to find the following news item way back in 2016:
PIMA COUNTY WELCOMES PROPOSED SPACEPORT
TUCSON — The Pima County Board of Supervisors voted 4-1 to approve a $15 million deal with World View to develop a spaceport. Former Biospherians Jayne Poynter, Taber McCollum and George Jetson of Spacely Sprockets are the bold entrepreneurs behind this space tourism and research venture that will rely on balloons to lift capsules 20 miles above the Earth.
Because this was Tucson, this followup story was inevitable.
TUCSON — County Supervisor Ally “Tea Party Time” Miller voted against the deal after a 90-minute debate, citing a lack of information and a lack of oxygen. “We only knew about this for six months.”
Later, she discussed her abduction by aliens. “Maybe it was liberals from Mars. Or space Mexicans. I don’t know. All I know is building a spaceport is an open invitation to space aliens to come here and probe us all. Secure our stratosphere!”
Back in 2016, experts projected World View would generate $3.5 billion in economic impact over the next 20 years and employ 400 people smarter than all five county supervisors combined. In spite of this glowing promise, in 2017, we were reminded that some Arizonans were still skeptical.
LEGISLATOR MOVES TO BAN SPACEPORTS
PHOENIX- State Senator P.T. Barndoor said, “If God had wanted man to go into space, he would have given us space gills so we could breathe up there. Besides, we all know the moon landing was a fake. Even I knew Buzz Lightyear was made up. Wasn’t he?”
In spite of these intergalactic embarrassments, World View launched its first payload of tourists into space as mariachis played “Thus Spake Zarathustra.” George Soros, Bill Gates, Warren Buffet, Oprah Winfrey, Mark Zuckerburg and President Donald Trump returned from the inaugural space flight with rave reviews. Trump said, “Phenomenal! I could see Sarah Palin waving at me from an asylum in Anchorage!” Bill Gates fainted, and Oprah lost three pounds.
The world celebrated. Tucson basked in its global status as a space exploration center. And again, later that year, our Legislature rose to the occasion.
GUNS IN SPACE
PHOENIX— State Senator B.C. Flintstone today advanced a bill allowing guns in space capsules. Flintstone said, “I seen the movie ‘Alien.’ Only a fool would go up there into space unarmed. If them astronauts in ‘2001: A Space Odyssey’ had AK-47s, old Hal sure as hell would’ve opened the pod bay door.”
The bill died faster than a jackrabbit in the path of a photon torpedo. At about the same time, some locals were making a fuss about the bustling spaceport.
NEIGHBORHOOD GROUP PROTESTS SPACEPORT
BARRIO PRECIOUS, TUCSON —Sid Piffleton, president of the Barrio Precious Neighborhood Association, demanded World View end its noisy balloon launches. “The whooshing sound is unbearable. We demand an end to the whooshing.” When a reporter whispered a question, Mr. Piffleton winced, clapped his hands over his ears and asked the reporter to stop shouting.
A critic suggested Sid move to space, “Where no one can hear you scream.”
In 2018, the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals chained themselves to the fence surrounding Spaceport Tucson after learning a turkey vulture, soaring on a thermal, perished after experiencing what space travel experts refer to as an “involuntary docking” with a World View craft. The space tourists received a refund and a keepsake feather.
By 2023, as they say at World View, things were looking up. The University of Arizona’s Osiris Rex was on its way home with an asteroid sample, Tucson was at the forefront of Mars discovery, and our cratered streets, used to train lunar rover drivers, were world-famous. Other space exploration enterprises were opening shop in our stellar location. Marana was looking into annexing the moon, while Tucson and Las Vegas had their eyes on Mars’ water. The decades went by faster than the Millennium Falcon on hyperdrive.
In 2053, Pima Air and Space Administration Director Buck “Buckaroo” Rogers announced the United Federation of Planets, under the command of Fleet Commander Rogelio Ramjet, had selected Spaceport Tucson to be the ship building site for the Federation’s proposed Star Fleet. The news was thrilling. “Construction of starship NCC-1701 will begin this summer.”
A band of Posse Comitatus ranchers, protesting “the illegitimate Federation” and the employment of aliens from Vulcan, Krypton, Solaris, Andromeda and Alderon, occupied the site briefly. They were vaporized.
Within the century, Ambassador Troon of Tatooine announced that their famous spaceport city, Mos Eisley, had adopted Tucson as a sister city. Troon said, “We will share our expertise regarding desertification, climate change and how to squeeze water from the musk glands of ewoks. All we want from you are chimichangas.”
It’s a beautiful cosmos. We’ve come a long way. And the wonderful thing is, in 2116, you can still see the stars above Spaceport Tucson.
