For those if you who will be watching the 2016 Republican Convention, here is an exclusive look at the schedule of events in Cleveland:
MONDAY: RNC Chair
Reince Priebus gavels convention open
Call to delegates, Vince McMahon, “Let’s get ready to rumble!”
“Pro-Trump”, “Dump Trump” delegates rumble
Priebus ducks, tear gas is sprayed, arena’s sprinkler system goes off
Chris Christie crushes 9 delegates, 7 hospitalized, 3 with traffic cone injuries
Call for order ignored
Trump calls on delegates to stop beating each other, “Beat black protesters outside arena, instead.”
Recess, delegates sent outside
“Latinos Love Trump!” luncheon, meal courtesy of “Taco Bowl”
Moment of silence for “Little Marco Rubio”
Immigration Committee Report, “Clean our toilets, not our clocks”
“Benghazi Night” re-enactment of attack by Ladies of the Eagle Forum
Remarks: Andrew Dice Clay, “Hillary’s Looks”
TUESDAY: Trump’s name placed into nomination
Invocation by Jerry Springer
Posting of the colors, throwing of the chairs
Honey Boo Boo recites Pledge of Allegiance
Trump asks delegates to beat anti-Trump protesters inside arena
Remarks: Dennis Rodman, “Trump steaks rock”
Remarks: Hulk Hogan, “Trump University rules”
Recess, shop for autographed copies of Donald Trump’s “Art of the Deal” in vendor area
Note: Sen.Mitch McConnell, Sen. John McCain and Mitt Romney cannot be present because of prior engagement judging jackrabbit skinning contest in Twin Buttes, Wyoming
“Women Love Trump!” luncheon
Toddlers in Tiaras re-enact highlights from Trump beauty pageants through the years
“For the ladies” event: Sen.Ted Cruz demonstrates how to cook bacon on the hot muzzle of a fired AK-47. BYOG (Bring Your Own Gun)
Remarks: Gov. Jan Brewer, “Hey, Donny, I could still be your vice president, dang it” and tanning booth etiquette
Abortion platform committee affirms plank: Conception begins at foreplay
Sarah Palin shoots a moose
Nominating speech by Vladimir Putin, “The man’s a genius”
Trump University Glee Club sings “Trump U!”
Video, Special Olympics tribute, “Just kidding around!” Trump mocks disabled winners
Roll call for nomination of Donald Trump to be president of the United States
Ted Nugent shoots a duck
WEDNESDAY: Vice Presidential nominee speaks
Speaker Paul Ryan calls convention to order
Delegates beat one another with placards, heckle Ryan
Sylvester Stallone recites Pledge of Allegiance to Donald Trump
Remarks: Newt Gingrich, “What are Republican family values? I slept with Donald’s 8th wife, he’s the father of my 4th wife, and I’m fooling around with his 2nd.”
Second Amendment platform committee affirms porn more dangerous than semi-automatic weapons, calls for in-depth study of porn.
Video, “He knew how to kill terrorists” tribute to Saddam Hussein, written, produced by Trump
Vice presidential nominee Mike Pence speaks
Tea party potluck, Kool-Aid provided
THURSDAY: Trump
addresses convention
Cast of Duck Dynasty performs national anthem with duck calls
Moment of silence for John McCain’s soul
Remarks: Ivanka Trump, “My dad is so cool. He wants to date me.”
Remarks: Donald Jr., “Why not a monarchy? Now, more than ever”
Republican Presidential nominee Donald J.Trump speaks, “We’re going to win so much you’re going to be sick of winning. Really sick. You’re going to be vomiting constantly.”
Elvis impersonators hand out keepsake dog whistles, racial innuendo decoder rings
Porky Pig hologram adjourns convention
