What a week. As we mourned the dead of Brussels, felt sorrow for the wounded and tweeted #JeSuisNotThisLunacyAgain, it was my hope that the West would exact justice tempered with intelligence and wisdom. And it was also my hope that we would remain mindful of the enduring power of liberty and tolerance. And then Trump announced that if he were King of the Forest he would immediately ban Brussels sprouts until he got a handle on where Belgium was.
Ted Cruz thanked ISIS for ushering in the apocalyptic end times and announced he was going to lead an Armageddon-themed crusade on the plains of Megiddo, in northern Israel, with the help of the Texas Rangers and Jerry Falwell Jr. As he mounted his steed, โThe Most Hated Man in Congressโ called for police to patrol Muslim neighborhoods like flies on a Texas barbecue, just like when the police descended on every Christian white neighborhood in America after the Oklahoma City bombing.
Just when you thought it couldnโt get weirder, Trump threatened to tweet ISIS โ2 death w/all 141 characturs at my dsposlโ, ban the movie โAladdinโ and waterboard Ted Cruzโs wife because a pro-Cruz PAC ran a pic of Melania Trump warming a fur rug with her bare assets.
Trump won Arizonaโs presidential preference primary with endorsements from our noteworthy primary school graduates, former Gov. Jan Brewer and former dirigible Sheriff Joe Arpaio. It was stirring to see Jan โScorpion Breathโ Brewer out of the tanning oven and able to tackle illegal immigration and modern English in spite of having baked her brain into a saladito. As for the sheriff of Maricopa County, who shoved an air hose up Strother Martin and gave him a โCool Hand Lukeโ badge? As for Trump, I canโt say I liked his winning campaign slogan for Arizona: โBut itโs a dry hate.โ
Because Maricopa County screwed up the polling, the voters who were still waiting in line to vote for Hillary or Bernie or Trump or Ted were expected to merge with lines hoping to see โBatman v Supermanโ by Sunday.
Earlier in the week, at AIPAC, the Israel lobby, Trump was on his game, deftly working to cultivate the support of Jews without alienating David Duke, neo-Nazis and white supremacists. Tough gig, even with notecards hand-lettered by his chief foreign policy expert, Melania, aided by a GeoSafari Talking Globe.
Listen, I despise Trumpโs racist, sexist blithering as much as the next person who made it out of pre-K, but, please, donโt interrupt Trumpโs speeches. If you want to anger a redneck go to a NASCAR rally and heckle the Ted Nugent cover band. In the name of democracy, stop cutting short the rope by which that bigot hangs himself daily.
Alas, itโs nearly time for Bernie to cave and throw his full-throated support behind Hillary. To me, Bernie calls to mind the seven lesser-known dwarves: Grumpy, Rumpled, Cranky, Wheezy, Angry, Trotsky and Lefty. When Bernieโs supporters are โfeeling the Bernโ these days, itโs acid reflux. But itโs not like theyโre losing a candidate; theyโll be gaining a hip step-mom who can set up her own email server.
When Jimmy Carter correctly called America an โoligarchy,โ I was sure Noam Chomsky had taken up peanut farming.
Trumpโs gloating about his pocket rocket got to Kim Jong Un, North Koreaโs missile man, inciting him to reveal his own โsmall handsโ to the world by lobbing five compensatory phallic objects into the sea. He should be feeling the heat from a savage Trump tweet any day now.
President Obama went to Cuba, and the right soiled itself, to which I say chill, oh, ye of little faith in the power of capitalism to wedge open a closed society. (I expect a fat Cubano and a bottle of rum for once again serving as the presidentโs chief apologist.)
Tucson is considering a City Charter change. I favor ward-only elections. Anything more complicated, such as adding two at-large council members, is beyond the attention span of voters. Yes, somebody thought two at-large members would be a great idea. Rather than two at-large council members, Iโd settle for one extra-large council member, three smalls and a medium. And the medium would have to be a psychic.
Just go with ward-only.
And while youโre at it, offer the Foothills two council wards in exchange for annexation. Or we put up toll booths at River Road. With Chris Christie in charge of the road cones.
