I had a chance to talk to Donald Trump recently. Hereโs a recap:
โMr. Trump, you stand a very good chance of being the nominee of the Republican Party, which as you know is the party of Lincoln โโ
โI love Lincoln! Heโs an amazing guy.โ
โYou admire Lincoln?โ
โAbsolutely. He built the first Lincoln Continental. Beautiful luxury vehicle. The guy was huge when it came to branding. Especially the toy logs. L-o-v-e the toy logs. Genius. Pure genius.
โBut, Lincoln did let the Civil War go on too long. By the way, Hillary lied about my position on that war. The press really needs to get this right. I opposed the Civil War until the rebels attacked Custer at the Alamo and then I supported it.
โLincoln was good. But he wasnโt great. I told him to his face. I would have been a great Commander-in-Chief. I would have boycotted cotton, Southern Comfort and Dolly Parton. I would have built a huge wall on the Manson-Nixon line. And I would have carpet bombed the Southโs oil fields. And I would have told Jefferson Davis โYouโre fired!โ It would have been over so fast. So fast.
โDid you know when Booth shot Lincoln thousands of Muslims took the streets to cheer? I saw it firsthand. Unbelievable. Disgusting! Brian Williams can back me up on this.
โLet me say something about slavery that is not politically correct but itโs true. Slavery was great! Iโm just telling it like it is. My first day in the White House Iโm going to bring back millions of jobs by bringing back slavery. And with our slaves we are going to beat China and Mexico. And we will make America great again.โ
I asked him if he was confident about the nomination.
โFour score and seven months ago, I brought forth my candidacy for the White House, conceived in liberty and dedicated to the proposition that we are going to win and weโre going to win so much, and so often, youโre going to get sick of winning.
โYou know, Lincoln recently said to me, โNot all women are created equal.โ I hate to say it but heโs right! Some are not so hot. I mean โ Mary Todd Lincoln? Look at that face. A face like Rosie OโDonnell. Not good. Not good! Listen, I know so much about Lincoln it would make your head spin.โ
I told Trump that Iโd heard Ben Carson went in the wrong entrance at a rally and was beaten senseless by Trumpsters.
โBen who?โ
โCarson.โ
โCanโt place the name. Look, can we talk about why Iโm running?
โEverybodyโs trying to figure me out. You talk me about 24/7. I can go on TV any time I want. I am flying high above you all because I am sent by God in Heaven to save us all from other people.โ
Trump stood, gripped his lapel with his tiny left hand, placed his tiny right hand on The Art of the Deal. โWith malice toward every minority I can think of โ gays, Latinos, women, the cripples and the Muslims โ let us strive โ and this part is beautiful, write this down โ to finish the work we are in; to open up the nationโs wounds and to punch each other in the face.
โIโm running to make America great again.โ
