Trump dishes on Lincoln, Muslims and not-so-hot women

I had a chance to talk to Donald Trump recently. Here’s a recap:

“Mr. Trump, you stand a very good chance of being the nominee of the Republican Party, which as you know is the party of Lincoln —”

“I love Lincoln! He’s an amazing guy.”

“You admire Lincoln?”

“Absolutely. He built the first Lincoln Continental. Beautiful luxury vehicle. The guy was huge when it came to branding. Especially the toy logs. L-o-v-e the toy logs. Genius. Pure genius.

“But, Lincoln did let the Civil War go on too long. By the way, Hillary lied about my position on that war. The press really needs to get this right. I opposed the Civil War until the rebels attacked Custer at the Alamo and then I supported it.

“Lincoln was good. But he wasn’t great. I told him to his face. I would have been a great Commander-in-Chief. I would have boycotted cotton, Southern Comfort and Dolly Parton. I would have built a huge wall on the Manson-Nixon line. And I would have carpet bombed the South’s oil fields. And I would have told Jefferson Davis ‘You’re fired!’ It would have been over so fast. So fast.

“Did you know when Booth shot Lincoln thousands of Muslims took the streets to cheer? I saw it firsthand. Unbelievable. Disgusting! Brian Williams can back me up on this.

“Let me say something about slavery that is not politically correct but it’s true. Slavery was great! I’m just telling it like it is. My first day in the White House I’m going to bring back millions of jobs by bringing back slavery. And with our slaves we are going to beat China and Mexico. And we will make America great again.”

I asked him if he was confident about the nomination.

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“Four score and seven months ago, I brought forth my candidacy for the White House, conceived in liberty and dedicated to the proposition that we are going to win and we’re going to win so much, and so often, you’re going to get sick of winning.

“You know, Lincoln recently said to me, ‘Not all women are created equal.’ I hate to say it but he’s right! Some are not so hot. I mean — Mary Todd Lincoln? Look at that face. A face like Rosie O’Donnell. Not good. Not good! Listen, I know so much about Lincoln it would make your head spin.”

I told Trump that I’d heard Ben Carson went in the wrong entrance at a rally and was beaten senseless by Trumpsters.

“Ben who?”

“Carson.”

“Can’t place the name. Look, can we talk about why I’m running?

“Everybody’s trying to figure me out. You talk me about 24/7. I can go on TV any time I want. I am flying high above you all because I am sent by God in Heaven to save us all from other people.”

Trump stood, gripped his lapel with his tiny left hand, placed his tiny right hand on The Art of the Deal. “With malice toward every minority I can think of — gays, Latinos, women, the cripples and the Muslims — let us strive — and this part is beautiful, write this down — to finish the work we are in; to open up the nation’s wounds and to punch each other in the face.

“I’m running to make America great again.”