Fitz: Your definitive guide to the Republican Convention

For those if you who will be watching the 2016 Republican Convention, here is an exclusive look at the schedule of events in Cleveland:

MONDAY: RNC Chair

Reince Priebus gavels convention open

Call to delegates, Vince McMahon, “Let’s get ready to rumble!”

“Pro-Trump”, “Dump Trump” delegates rumble

Priebus ducks, tear gas is sprayed, arena’s sprinkler system goes off

Chris Christie crushes 9 delegates, 7 hospitalized, 3 with traffic cone injuries

Call for order ignored

Trump calls on delegates to stop beating each other, “Beat black protesters outside arena, instead.”

Recess, delegates sent outside

“Latinos Love Trump!” luncheon, meal courtesy of “Taco Bowl”

Moment of silence for “Little Marco Rubio”

Immigration Committee Report, “Clean our toilets, not our clocks”

“Benghazi Night” re-enactment of attack by Ladies of the Eagle Forum

Remarks: Andrew Dice Clay, “Hillary’s Looks”

TUESDAY: Trump’s name placed into nomination

Invocation by Jerry Springer

Posting of the colors, throwing of the chairs

Honey Boo Boo recites Pledge of Allegiance

Trump asks delegates to beat anti-Trump protesters inside arena

Remarks: Dennis Rodman, “Trump steaks rock”

Remarks: Hulk Hogan, “Trump University rules”

Recess, shop for autographed copies of Donald Trump’s “Art of the Deal” in vendor area

Note: Sen.Mitch McConnell, Sen. John McCain and Mitt Romney cannot be present because of prior engagement judging jackrabbit skinning contest in Twin Buttes, Wyoming

“Women Love Trump!” luncheon

Toddlers in Tiaras re-enact highlights from Trump beauty pageants through the years

“For the ladies” event: Sen.Ted Cruz demonstrates how to cook bacon on the hot muzzle of a fired AK-47. BYOG (Bring Your Own Gun)

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Remarks: Gov. Jan Brewer, “Hey, Donny, I could still be your vice president, dang it” and tanning booth etiquette

Abortion platform committee affirms plank: Conception begins at foreplay

Sarah Palin shoots a moose

Nominating speech by Vladimir Putin, “The man’s a genius”

Trump University Glee Club sings “Trump U!”

Video, Special Olympics tribute, “Just kidding around!” Trump mocks disabled winners

Roll call for nomination of Donald Trump to be president of the United States

Ted Nugent shoots a duck

WEDNESDAY: Vice Presidential nominee speaks

Speaker Paul Ryan calls convention to order

Delegates beat one another with placards, heckle Ryan

Sylvester Stallone recites Pledge of Allegiance to Donald Trump

Remarks: Newt Gingrich, “What are Republican family values? I slept with Donald’s 8th wife, he’s the father of my 4th wife, and I’m fooling around with his 2nd.”

Second Amendment platform committee affirms porn more dangerous than semi-automatic weapons, calls for in-depth study of porn.

Video, “He knew how to kill terrorists” tribute to Saddam Hussein, written, produced by Trump

Vice presidential nominee Mike Pence speaks

Tea party potluck, Kool-Aid provided

THURSDAY: Trump

addresses convention

Cast of Duck Dynasty performs national anthem with duck calls

Moment of silence for John McCain’s soul

Remarks: Ivanka Trump, “My dad is so cool. He wants to date me.”

Remarks: Donald Jr., “Why not a monarchy? Now, more than ever”

Republican Presidential nominee Donald J.Trump speaks, “We’re going to win so much you’re going to be sick of winning. Really sick. You’re going to be vomiting constantly.”

Elvis impersonators hand out keepsake dog whistles, racial innuendo decoder rings

Porky Pig hologram adjourns convention