Fitzsimmons: How the Second Amendment came to be

James Madison set down his quill and read his words aloud to himself. “A well-regulated militia being necessary to the security of a free state, the right of the people to keep and bear modern 17th century muzzle-loaded, flint-fired, single-shot muskets shall not be infringed.”

The tavern waiter set down Madison’s ale and said, “That’s way too specific.”

“What?”

“Weapons may change. Someday you might not need a flint to fire your 17th century muzzle-loaded single-shot musket. I’d go with ‘arms’. A well-regulated militia ... blah, blah, blah ... the right of the people to keep and bear ... arms ... shall not be infringed. See? Isn’t that better?”

Madison wasn’t buying it.

“ ‘Arms’ is a bit vague.”

The waiter sat down next to him. “What about cannons?”

“Cannons?”

“Yes, sir. Cannons! The people should have unlimited access to cannons.”

“Did you escape from the lunatic asylum in Williamsburg?”

“Why should the right of the people to bear cannons be infringed? Sounds very American to me.” The waiter took Madison’s quill. “Write it like this: ‘A well-regulated militia ... blah, blah, blah ... the right of the people to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed, and that includes cannons. C-a-n-n-o-n-s.’ ”

“Are you mad? The cannons are staying in the armory. They are weapons of war, sir. It would be madness to permit civilians to possess weapons of war. And especially cannons.”

“Every kind? All of them?”

“All of them.”

“The heavy siege guns?”

“Most definitely.”

“The 3-pound Gallopers?”

“Preferably.”

“The 6-pound field pieces?”

“Most assuredly, sir.”

“Grapeshot?”

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“Yes! They’re only good for one thing: Blowing a hole through a British warship. Or the legs off grenadiers. Load one with grapeshot and you have a weapon good for only one horrific thing: killing scores of citizens. We must ensure domestic tranquility, my good sir. Cannons in the hands of the people? A most unpleasant prospect. Bring me my bill of fare, please.”

“Doesn’t our Declaration declare that I have the right to rebel against our government if I believe it is unjust?”

“Well, yes ...”

“Then I’ll definitely need a cannon, won’t I? You, sir, have all the cannons. I can’t very well overthrow you if all I have is my musket.”

“But, my good man, it’s a modern 17th century muzzle-loaded single-shot musket!

“Me versus your cannons? That wouldn’t be a fair fight, now would it?”

Everyone in the tavern nodded.

The waiter poured Madison another ale. “If I want to assassinate you and overthrow the government I’ll need cannons. As many as I can have. Myself, I’d prefer a sleek 16-pounder, like the beauties I saw at Bunker Hill!”

Madison stood and put on his tricorn.

“Not going to happen. Bring me my check. I’m done. Ben Franklin just texted me. Gotta go.”

Everyone in the tavern had been listening to the waiter rant.

“I’d like a nice artillery field piece on wheels so I could roll it into the woods and use it for hunting and drag it with me everywhere for personal defense. Isn’t that what we fought for at Lexington and Concord?

“My right to a cannon shall not be infringed, good sir. Do not tread on me!”

Everyone in the tavern cheered.

Madison was terse. “Sorry. Muskets will have to do. No cannons. No mortars. No 3-pound Gallopers.”

The waiter addressed the tavern. “Well, isn’t this cannon-hating Virginian a dandy? I suppose you’ll want to take away my old bayonet next! Well, your majesty, you’ll get my bayonet when you pry it from my cold, dead fingers!”

Everyone in the tavern cheered. The waiter shouted, “When artillery field pieces are outlawed only outlaws will have artillery field pieces!”

“This is madness. I am out of here.” Madison packed up his laptop and strode out of the King’s Tavern.

Months later Madison, still uncertain about the language for the Second Amendment, recalled this incident to his friend Gen. George Washington one afternoon in Philadelphia after an Eagles game. The great general laughed and asked Madison what he had so far. Madison said, “This is what I’ve got: ‘A well-regulated militia being necessary to the security of a free state, the right of the people to keep and bear muzzle-loaded flint-fired single-shot arms shall not be infringed.’ I think it says it all, don’t you, General?”

Washington disapproved. “Suppose a gunsmith invents a double-barreled muzzle-loaded flint-fired double-shot musket? Keep this thing vague, Mr. Madison. Just go with ‘arms’ and give the people credit for common sense. Cannons. Good Lord, Mr. Madison, that is beyond the pale. We are not a nation of fools.”