The following column is the opinion and analysis of the writer:
When the weather wizards on TV declare โMemorial Day is the beginning of summer,โ we Tucsonans smile, roll our eyes and politely nod because we know a season canโt โbeginโ if it never ends, and as sure as there are death and potholes any fool can see summer never ends. Winter here is, at best, a visiting breeze, a fraud, a seasonal sham, a meteorological hoax โ and autumn? A rumor to be forgotten.
Weโre good humored about summer because exposure to the sun has baked our brains into tiny charred maniacal raisins. For laughs, some raisin-brained Tucsonans have been know to put on sweaters in January. We keep our sweaters next to our galoshes and ice scrapers in our entryway closets because, like we tell every newcomer, โyou never know. We could get a blizzard.โ
Last Blizzard I got was at a Dairy Queen in Gila Bend in July of 1973.
Any summer dweller worth his sunscreen who hears the radio say โTucson hit the 100-degree mark todayโ will tell you Tucson doesnโt โhitโ the โ100-degree markโ as much as it hits us, whomps us good, landing like an acme anvil on our Wiley Coyote heads. Before you can say โheatstrokeโ, as Yosemite Sam would say, our โbiscuits are burning.โ
When the obvious is announced, โTucson is heading into triple digits,โ we hold our defiant single-digit response up to the sun and carry on. Because we like summer. We like the heat. We like having raisin brains.
โWeโll be seeing above-normal temperatures again,โ says the weather wizard. Really? Isnโt that every daily headline for the foreseeable future?
โABOVE-NORMAL TEMPERATURES AGAIN,
JUST LIKE YESTERDAY AND YEAR BEFORE,
GLOBAL WARMING SUSPECTEDโ
When visitors say, โItโs hot as hell hereโ I tell them they could not be more wrong. Itโs hotter. Which is why we Tucsonans have little climatological apprehension about ending up in hell, much to the disappointment of our moral superiors.
โThis is hell?โ
โWelcome, sinner, to your eternal torment.โ
โCan someone turn down the AC? Iโm chilly.โ
โWhat?โ
โโItโs chilly. Iโm from Tucson. Trust me, this is not hot. Not โsummerโ hot.โ
โSilence, Foul Pestilence! No place is hotter than hell!โ
โTry Speedway and Country Club in a month. Iโm not even breaking a sweat here. Is it this cool year-round?โ
โInto the โLake of Fireโ with you!โ
โOooh. A โLake of Fireโ. Let me tell you about Tucsonans, lobster boy. We love heat. We like to soak in flaming hot tubs filled with salsa. We gulp down jalapeรฑo peppers like grapes, breathe fire and complain that itโs not hot enough in June. Tell your manager, whatโs his name, โLucyโโโ
โLu-ci-fer.โ
โWell, you tell Lucifer Iโm not impressed. What you call โhotโ we Tucsonans would call โbrisk.โ Like a pleasant sunset in July. My friends back homeโll be jealous! Look. I got goosebumps!โ
โTaste my branding iron!โ
โBeen there, done that. Summer of 2019. I sat right down on my white hot seatbelt buckle which Iโd left sitting there in the sun when I got out of my truck to pick up a solar-powered sauna in June . Scarred my biscuits. Want to see?โ
โNo. Youโre all checked in. Go.โ
โGreat. Iโm still freezing here, pal. You got a sweater I could borrow?โ
โNext, please.โ
โDonโt you keep any sweaters around, just in case? Iโll bet down here you keep them where all my friends back up in Tucson keep their mittens and their ice scrapers. Hall closet, right?โ
โOur gift shop carries sweaters. They come in burlap, steel wool. Next to the โdownโ escalators. They also carry jalapeรฑo chewing gum, toy pitchforks, rubber snowballs and the foulest of abominations, โBest Puns of 2020.โโ
โGot any hot cocoa? Iโm catching a cold. I am shivering.โ
โCheck out the lava lamps. Real lava! Nothing says โHello from hellโ like a red-hot lava lamp.โ
โWell, Iโll be damned.โ
โToo late.โ
โGot any postcards that say โHell! Compared to Tucson in June, Itโs Heavenโ?โ
โBe on your way! Heed the wails of the condemned burning in our fiery depths!โ
โIs that what Iโm hearing? A bunch of whiners crying about a little heat? Who are they? Heathens from Wisconsin? Unitarians from Seattle? Big babies.โ
We good-humored Tucsonans are a hardy people, our souls are heated and hammered into a strong shape by the fierce forge of summer. We apply our sunscreen with a paint roller and believe โthat which does not incinerate us makes us stronger.โ When the sidewalks roll up and the streets are empty we raisin-brained summer-loving saps will savor our due, the slowing of lifeโs pace. And I, in the shade of my porch, will enjoy my lava lamp and dream of blizzards in Gila Bend.