The following column is the opinion and analysis of the writer:
Every couple of years βAntiques Roadshowβ visits our Old Pueblo. Iβve watched Tucson treasure hunters bring in amazing items.
The appraiser always asks, βWhat do we have here?β
βItβs a mounted javelina head. I was βantiquingβ at a Tortolita yard sale when I saw it. I said to Lurlene, βHoly jalapeΓ±os! I been wanting one of these for years!ββ
βCare to guess what itβs worth?β
βBuck. Buck and a half?β
βAt auction this fine example of 20th century taxidermy would fetch $350.β
βShut the corral gate! Youβre kidding!β
βHeck, yes, Iβm kidding. Next. What do we have here?β
βItβs an βoriginalβ DeGrazia tumbler. Me and Ed got the receipt. Ed likes the angels. I like the way he used dots for eyes.β
βComplete with your provenance this fine example of mass-produced midcentury folk art in todayβs art market would fetch as much as $2.95.β
βYouβre kidding!β
βHeck, yes, Iβm kidding. Toss it in our dumpster on your way out. Next! What do we have here?β
βA vintage set. I got a Stumble Inn bar coaster, a Dusty Chaps cassette tape and a popcorn kernel from the Bum Steer. Found these treasures in the summer of β76 in a trash bin behind a U of A dorm after the students moved out.β
βNext.β
βMy grandfatherβs alien registration receipt card from the β40s granting a worker legal residence.β
βA hair ribbon woven from a tin foil blanket by an orphaned girl in immigration custody.β
βMy motherβs βNo amnesty for illegals!β protest sign.β
A woman cradles what appears to be a holy relic. βItβs a lock of Lute Olsonβs hair. We got it from a fella claiming to be his barber for five hundred bucks.β
βNext.β
βThis miracle tortilla with the face of weatherman Michael Goodrich on it has been in my family since 1999.β
βNext.β
βThis is one of the pens Ronald Reagan used to sign his immigration reform bill way back in 1986 legalizing the residency of 3 million immigrants.β
The appraiser recites what he knows. βPresident Reagan believed if you put down roots here, even though you may have come here illegally, you should not have to live in the shadows.β
The owner nods.
βIn the overheated marketplace of ideas today such artifacts have fallen out of favor. Youβd be lucky to sell it as kindling. Next. What do we have here?β
βA can of βTucson Sunshine,β produced by the Chamber of Commerce, Jurassic period.β
βNext.β
βItβs a sheet or a nunβs habit worn by Sister Agnes in βLilies of the Field.ββ
βNext.β
βA porcelain liquor decanter shaped like a kachina.β A cultural insensitivity warning flashes onscreen.
βNext. Whatβs this?β
βA copy of the 2005 Secure America and Orderly Immigration Act signed by Sens. John McCain and Ted Kennedy.β
The appraiser raised his eyebrows. βThis may as well be a 13th-century Ming vase! What you have here is a rare and remarkable piece of bipartisan lawmaking which became the Comprehensive Immigration Reform Act of 2007. It featured, among other things, a reasonable path to citizenship, funding for border security, and a functional guest worker program. Practical and reasonable, it was doomed. Itβs been collecting dust in Americaβs attic ever since. In todayβs market Iβd estimate your historic artifact to be a costly reminder of our nationβs failure to do the right thing. Next.β
βI found this at an estate sale. Itβs a black-and-white glossy of an unidentified congressman using our border for a campaign photo op. Heβs waving his fist. Caption on the back says heβs decrying the crisis on the border.β
The appraiser studies it. βIt could be from 2012. No, Iβm wrong. Itβs from 1992. On second thought it could be from as far back as β86. Maybe earlier.β
He takes out his magnifying lens and scans the image. βWait just an βAntiques Roadshowβ minute! I see only 48 stars on your politicianβs flag pin. Hawaii and Alaska didnβt become states until 1959! This vintage image of this politician βdecrying the crisis on the borderβ has to be from the early β50s.β
βThatβs fantastic!β
βNot really. Itβs utterly valueless. The market is saturated with thousands and thousands of these images of politicians βdecrying the border crisisββ dating all the way back to the Gadsden Purchase. Next.β
βI was out hiking when I found this beautiful tiny childβs rosary.β
The appraiser was intrigued. βItβs carved out of wood from Central America. Itβs quite weathered and old. Where did you find it?β
βOut in the desert in an area we call the βDevilβs Highway.ββ
βChildrenβs rosaries like this are common. Probably worth a few pennies at most. What became of the owner?β
The man shook his head. The value of his world-weary expression? Priceless.