The following column is the opinion and analysis of the writer:
SUNDAY
Watching CPAC so my readers wonβt have to. Hm. Odd. Entire conference only lasts an hour.
My mistake.
Ellen tells me Iβm watching a CPAP infomercial.
Thanks, Ellen.
I channel-surf and find the actual CPAC fun fest. I gasp in shock and disgust so often Iβm short of breath. I channel-surf back to the looping CPAP infomercial and order a CPAP.
MONDAY
To break the monotony, Ellen and I try COVID games like βFind the Mask,β βSocially Distanced Tagβ and βCount to 500,0000.β Bored, I clean the oven with a Q-tip.
Been way too sedentary and gluttonous during this stressful time. Learned a hummingbirdβs heart beats 6,000 times a minute. That is almost as fast as my heart beats whenever I bend over to pick up the Uber Eats delivery left on my porch.
Ellen butters me so I can squeeze through the front door.
TUESDAY
I visit the Arizona Daily Star building on South Park for the last time. Weβre Zooming these days and moving to better digs.
Inside the giant building, which I always thought resembled a concrete fortress, itβs dark and silent save for friendly ghosts. Is that a whiff of Jack Sheafferβs cigar smoke in the old photo lab? Am I imagining the faint whisper of wire machines and typewriters clack-clack-clacking away in the shadows? So many years, so many ghosts.
I say goodbye to our beloved printing press, a leviathan of cogs, rolls and ink wells, a dinosaur felled by an asteroid called The Internet. In the dark I yell βStop the presses!β
Always wanted to do that.
I find the 35,000-year-old cafeteria table where I was informed I was hired. Pre-Columbian, I think. Smithsonian-bound.
I like our new offices. In the heart of town, downtown, along the Santa Cruz. Always thought South Park looked like the kind of bunker youβd find on a cliff overlooking the beaches of Normandy.
One last gaze out my old office window at the parking lot where I often enjoyed seeing furious readers with torches, catapults and pitchforks.
WEDNESDAY
Vaccination appointment day! As I turn into the UA pod, Iβm listening to KXCI on my radio. Buck Owens is singing a perfect anthem for this moment:
βOh the sunβs gonna shine, in my life once more. ... No more loneliness, only happiness ...β
Heck yeah. I thank the traffic cones. I thank the flashing signs. I thank every volunteer I see. I thank a volunteer directing traffic with the calm grace of an air traffic controller. βKeep moving, sir.β
I thank the volunteer about to give me my shot. He says, βDonβt thank me. First time Iβve ever done this.β A comedian! Thank you, comedian. βCan I keep the needle in my arm as a keepsake?β
βKeep moving, sir.β
I think of all those in our town still waiting for their turn. Before driving out I ask an older volunteer why heβs doing it. βLike I tell my kids. Served my country once. Itβs a chance to serve again.β I choke up. What Americans can do when weβre motivated. βCan I give you a big kiss? β
βKeep moving, sir.β
THURSDAY
Daughter keeps us up on the grandkids with a weekly digest app called βQeepsake.β Qeepsake asks her quirky questions daily about the kids and every week I get her answers, her stories, her videos and pics of the beasties.
I want a version of Qeepsake for grandparents.
Qeepsake: βDid you take a funny picture of grandma this week?β
βI did. Grandma stubbed her toe and cursed.β
Qeepsake: βWhat did Grandpa learn today?β
βNot to take βfunnyβ pictures of Nana Ellen.β
FRIDAY
Ellen and I watch βAntiques Roadshow.β Weary of me ridiculing her favorite show, she spikes my punch. I wake up bound and gagged like Bobby Seale at the Chicago 7 trial, forced to watch a βRoadshowβ repeat featuring a visit to Tucson.
Gives me a column idea. βI was antiquing at the Tortolita Swap Meet. I said, βHoly jalapeΓ±os!β I ainβt never seen a javelina head mounted like a trophy before. Especially missing a glass eye. And a fang.β
βOn the open marketplace this fine object could fetch $12.95!β
βWell, shut my door, buck my bronco and refry my beans!β
SATURDAY
Todayβs the big day. The Tucson Virtual Festival of Books. Check it out. https://tucsonfestivalofbooks.org
I canβt wait to watch 165 amazing authors unmute themselves β with 27% unsure how to do it. I got my feet up, kettle cornβs in the microwave and an infinite margaritas flowing nearby.
This is great.
No crowds.
No endless walking.
No lines.
No sunburn.
No bag of books to haul.
If I want a book, Iβm burning Bezos the bookstore killer, by ordering mine from the UA bookstores:
I lift my margarita to toast TFOB 2021. Viva Tucson! And the first presenting author online who says, βIβm not a cat.β
