The following column is the opinion and analysis of the writer.
βThe Art of War,β written by the great military strategist Sun Tzu was eclipsed this past week by Donald Trumpβs new treatise, βThe Art of the War Deal,β a 12-chapter collection of the great strategistsβ thoughts on war. Here are the most relevant excerpts from the famous best-selling volume, said to be slimmer than the rationale for killing an Iranian general.
Chapter 1: Leadership:
βSay one thing. Say another. Then contradict yourself. Then do the opposite. Then your staff will explain what you meant by it all while you tweet or nap. Thatβs leadership.β
βDon Trump
βThe survival of a great leader matters more than the survival of the federation itself. I got that from the βWrath of Khan.β Never finished it.β
βDon Trump
Chapter 2: The Path to War:
βEscalate tensions with your enemy for no rational reason. It keeps life interesting between rounds of golf.β
βDon Trump
Chapter 3: Your Warriors:
βKeep your team loyal by threatening to whack any snitches. Worked for Commander Corleone.β
βDon Trump
βI prefer warriors who are not captured. βHoganβs Heroesβ were no heroes! And why vilify Col. Klink? There were good people on both sides.β
βDon Trump
βThe families of your war dead have made the ultimate sacrifice. Mock them for the amusement of partisans. Especially if theyβre Muslim-Americans. This is good for national unity.β
βDon Trump
Chapter 4: Honor:
βSure I pardoned war criminals. Whatβs wrong with posing with the war dead? Don Jr., brings trophy pics back from his safari hunts all the time! The military code of honor is for sissies. Itβs something you have to read, right?β
βDon Trump
Chapter 5: The Geopolitics of War:
βThe Kurds werenβt beside us at D-Day. Disgusting backstabbing, cowards. Some allies!β
βDon Trump
βWhen the Ukrainians attacked Pearl Harbor did Custer surrender? No! Thereβs a good reason why we dropped our big beautiful A-Bombs on China and Germany.β
βDon Trump
Chapter 6: Unity:
βDivide your people and unite your enemy. Or subdivide your enemy and unite your people. Itβs one of those two. You sort it out. Iβve got Russian propaganda to spread. Buh-bye.β
βDon Trump
Chapter 7: Rhetoric:
βThe emperor who threatens βFire and furyβ bellows with the mighty flatulence of a thousand pouting pandas. Mulan said that.β
βDon Trump
βSubdue your enemy with the empty wind of fiery threats. But be very careful using wind of any kind. Wind turbines cause cancer.β
βDon Trump
Chapter 8: Strategy:
βThis then is the 7-fold path: Betray your allies. Repeat falsehoods. Spread conspiracy theories. Study not. Blame your predecessors for your errors. Trust your gut. Order carry-out. This is the way of the Don.
βAlso, declare national emergencies where none exist. This creates an unbreakable bond of trust between you, your people and their anxiety meds.β
βDon Trump
βI donβt know the meaning of the word βfear.β Or the meaning of the words βstrategyβ or βtactics,β for that matter.β
βDon Trump
Chapter 9: Generals:
βIf a great leader (me) lacks military service due to a condition such as, say, bone spurs, is it wise to declare openly he is smarter than all of his generals? Yes. Because, unlike his stupid generals, he evaded service with wile and cunning. And connections.β
βDon Trump
Chapter 11: Tactics
βIt is always a smart move to provoke enraged religious fanatics in the middle of a 3,500,00-square-mile smoldering ammo dump. Nothing there but sand. Before attacking your enemy do not bother studying your enemy or his region. Trust your gut. There is great wisdom and insight in my gut.β
βDon Trump
Chapter 12: Leadership:
βSome believe all warfare is based on deception. This is fake news. All leadership is based entirely on deception.β
βDon Trump
βBe unpredictable. Be unreliable. Be impulsive. Be anything but a Kurd.β
βDon Trump
βIn the midst of chaos there is opportunity. Be the chaos. Want to know who said that? It was Sgt. Snorkle. Speaking to Beetle Bailey. Or it couldβve been Rambo. I lost respect for John Rambo when he was captured in βRambo: First Blood Part II.
βIs it tee time?β
βDon Trump
βHe who avoids study, strategy and tactics shall lose the battle but win the ratings war.β
βDon Trump
βThe Art of the War Deal,β by Donald Trump, is available, in very large print, wherever bomb shelters, air raid sirens and survivalist food supplies are sold. Each edition comes with a red βMake War Great Againβ cap.