Dear J.T. & Dale: My boyfriend just got an amazing new job, and he wants me to go with him. It's a thousand miles away from my current employer. My employer has been offering remote work but recently announced that we are going to be eventually going back into the office fulltime. I'd really rather work remotely so I'm thinking about going with my boyfriend. However, I'd like to keep my job all the way up until when I leave. At the same time, I'm wondering if it might make sense to try to find a remote job now so that I can just move without any problems. What do you think I should do? — Erica
DALE: First, I'm going to sound like a dad (and, hey, I have three grown kids), but it would be wise to let your boyfriend go and start the job and see how it works out. Let him make sure it's right for him before you commit to changing your life. Then, you can visit and make sure you want to live there, and, if so, get some networking visits set up. That way, you can turn this into an opportunity for a leap up in responsibility and salary, rather than just fitting yourself around a boyfriend.
J.T.: Or, you could jump in on finding a remote job and maximize your flexibility. To be honest, the sooner you start that process the better as remote work is becoming more and more scarce and a lot more competitive since everybody wants it. The sooner you can find a new position, the easier it will be for you to transition. That said, I would not tell your employer you're making any plans to move or leave. The moment they hear you're planning to leave, they will be looking for your replacement. So, this needs to be your secret until you've got a new job secure and you can resign without worry.
DALE: It makes me nervous when a plan relies on "this needs to be your secret." We live in a world where everybody knows everything. How can two people plan a long-distance relocation and nobody in your company hears about it? Not going to happen. Instead, you can just tell everyone that you aren't going with him. Sure, you still start the process of looking for a remote job and/or you start your long-distance job research. That way, you can follow the career opportunity instead of just following your boyfriend.
The Best Career Resources
J.T.: It's time for us to offer our recommendation for a particularly useful career resource, and this one is a book by Morra Aarons-Mele, "The Anxious Achiever: Turn Your Biggest Fears Into Your Leadership Superpower." One thing I admired about this book is the author's willingness to open up about her own issues, including panic attacks. A memorable example: She stood up to give a talk at a local library and was so overcome with self-doubt that she began to struggle to breathe, leading someone in the audience to cry out for an ambulance.
DALE: Yes, that's how she introduced a compelling discussion of perfectionism. She offered a technique to use when negative self-talk starts to inhibit progress. It's called "The So What? Exercise." As you might guess, you confront your anxieties by asking "So what?" about each imagined fear. If I have a panic attack, so what? And you get to either see that nothing much bad happens or watch your consciousness spin horrors till it becomes almost laughable. Either way, you achieve perspective.
J.T.: Add perspective to candor about your shortcoming and you have the ingredients to figure out a way to progress.
DALE: And to guide that progress, you need to set out your values, and Aaron-Mele gives us a list of questions that could be useful, including these: "What sort of person do you want to be?" "What do you want to stand for?" What work fills you with meaning?" "What can you offer to the people you work with?" Knowing the answers to such questions establishes the ground on which to make a stand against anxieties.
Some CEOs see no issue with the potential fallout such changes can incur.
