Face it: There will be that one gift this holiday season that will have you smiling on the outside and cringing on the inside.
And if youβre a comedian, your cringe will become ha-ha fodder. (Hopefully, not in front of the gift-giver because that could be awkward.)
We reached out to several Tucson comedians about their worst/best holiday gift experience, whether on the receiving end or gifting. We wish we could say there was some higher purpose for our outreach, but truth be told: We were just looking for a good laugh and comedians love to make us laugh.
Seriously, I got it at Dillardβs
Priscilla Fernandez, 46, is a 22-year veteran of standup in Arizona and one of the founders/producers of the popular Lady Haha Open Mic for Women, LGBTQ+ & Allies held monthly at Club Congress.
βMy mother has always been the worst gift giver! She is famous for gifting me stuff she buys at the Goodwill and then lying and saying she bought them at Dillardβs (meanwhile she always forgets to remove the Goodwill price tag on the bottom). In 2010, she gifted me a giant and very heavy tree ornament with the year β2002β on it in giant numbers. Oof. But my favorite gift from her that made me die laughing was a used Roomba. Not only did the Goodwill sticker say β$10,β but the cavity that holds the batteries was damaged, and when I went to use it, it didnβt start. I told my mom that I was so excited about getting a Roomba but that it didnβt work. Without missing a beat, my mom says, βThatβs weird it worked when I bought it.β Where did you buy it, mom? βDillardβs of course.ββ
βI also never got what I wanted for Christmas when I was a kid. I begged my dad for a skateboard and he instead bought me a pogo stick that I never used. The next year I asked for new basketball shoes and instead my dad installed a tetherball poll in the back yard. These things are all reasons Iβm a comedian.β
Coming up: Lady Hahaβs holiday open mic is on Tuesday, Dec. 19, at 7 p.m.; βAunt Flow Comedy Show: A comedy show about all things periods!β on Jan. 10 at 7:30 p.m.; and the showcaseβs new βDrag Open Micβ on Jan. 16 at 7 p.m. at Club Congress, 311 E. Congress St. Admission is free for most events. For more info, visit ladyhahacomedy.com.
Gifts that come with a rated R sticker
Stephanie Lyonga-Farrington, 40, has been doing standup since 2016, including regular appearances at Music Box Lounge, 6951 E. 22nd Street, and The Screening Room downtown.
βIt was at a white elephant exchange Christmas party. Everyone had to bring an anonymous gift, wrapped, with no name. All the gifts are meant to be funny, by the way. Everyone writes a number on a piece of paper and the papers are thrown in a bowl. Then from the youngest person in the room, everyone picks a number and β¦ in order of the numbers, everyone picks a gift. I ended up with a candy cane shaped liked something we canβt mention in a family newspaper. I still have it! And, no, I donβt want to give it to anyone because itβs always a great story, especially when you can show people!β
Coming up: Lyonga-Farrington will be part of the Dec. 15 Smokinβ Comedy Show at the Phoenix Center of the Arts, 1202 N. Third St. Tickets for the 7 p.m. show are $20 through PromoTix at tinyurl.com/4jjv4cny.
Flying blind and stumbling
Nancy Stanley, 68, got into comedy a dozen years ago during what she calls βThe Great MidLife Crisis of 2011.β She is the cofounder and host of βThe Estrogen Hour,β a comedy showcase held at Laffs Comedy CaffΓ© for women that raises money to benefit the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society.
βBack in the day, giving holiday gifts to men I was dating was always anxiety-producing. Presents seemed to have a lot of subtext: give something too expensive and it suggests βscary true love.β But something too modest screams, βYouβre an afterthought, just like this Walgreenβs scotch.β In 1989, things had been a little rocky with my longtime boyfriend, Mark, who I later married. I wasnβt entirely sure if we were βon againβ or βtaking a break,β so I was flying blind. I ended up giving him a straw doormat with Dan Quayleβs face on it, while he gave me exquisite diamond earrings. An awkward Christmas Eve, for sure.β
Coming up: βThe Estrogen Hourβ returns to Laffs, 2900 E. Broadway Blvd., on Feb. 4. For updates and more information, visit facebook.com/theestrogenhour.
Cheese pizza and room service
Josiah Osego, 38, has been doing standup for 11 years, drawing comedy inspiration from his childhood, past drug use and homelessness. The father of two works as a graphic designer and life coach.
βGrowing up, Christmas was restricted from our household for religious reasons. I was β¦ never really told what it was all about. β¦ All I knew was there was this guy named Santa spreading βgoodwillβ through the world and he was able to do it all in one night. Now before Santa, the only other person I knew of that could perform βmiraclesβ was Jesus, and we know what they did to him. Then I realized, Santa is just Jesus in disguise. For he loved the world so much he gave his only identity for a bearded red suit so he could spread goodwill in safety. β¦ Let me remind you, I formed this theory at the age of 6-7. Long conspiracy short, I became suspicious of everyone that participated in Christmas. I thought they all knew Santa was just Jesus in disguise and were trying to βget himβ again. ... It wasnβt until I watched βHome Alone 2β that I found out that Christmas was all about cheese pizza and room service.β
Coming up: Osegoβs last Tucson show was opening for Ryan Hamilton at the Rialto Theatre in early October. For updates on his upcoming performances, visit facebook.com/josiah.osego.