Money Manners: Repaying a family loan with no obligation is a matter of principle

Twenty years ago, my grandparents lent my brother $25,000, and he never paid them back. They’re long gone, but my aunt wants my brother — who now makes good money — to repay the loan. Specifically, she wants him to give $25,000 to my grandparents’ children, divided evenly, just as their estate was. My brother says no way, and insists that after all these years he’s not legally obligated to repay the loan. I see my aunt’s side of things. But I see my brother’s, too. Our grandparents have been dead for years, their estate has long since been distributed, and they probably wouldn’t care about this anyway. Your thoughts?

— Tom M., San Jose, California

Dear Tom:

Forget about your brother’s legal obligation. When you borrow money from a relative, you have a moral obligation to repay it, period. Your grandparents lent your brother money in good faith, and good faith demands that he repay the loan, regardless of what the law says. If he won’t, though, a lawyer may be able to help your aunt pressure him into coughing up some dough.

But the bottom line is clear: Your brother owes the previous generation in your family $25,000. Until he acknowledges that debt and begins to repay it — until he acknowledges that he can’t simply pocket $25,000 that rightly belongs to his relatives — he deserves to be shunned by everyone in the clan. And we mean that literally. No Thanksgiving dinner for him.

Dear Jeanne & Leonard:

I have a good friend, someone I really like, who lets me treat her all the time when we go out together. The problem is, she never reciprocates. Recently, for example, I paid for Uber to take us to a club. But even though I mentioned I was short on cash that night, she never even offered to buy me a beer. While I hate to keep score, this score is so lopsided that it’s hard not to notice. And by the way, my friend has a decent job and makes it a point to remember whose turn it is to buy milk for the kids when it comes to her and her spouse. Would you say something if you were in my shoes?

— S.S., Sacramento, California

Dear S.S.:

Give us this mooch’s number, and we’ll say something even though we’re not in your shoes.

Kidding aside, yes, you should say something, and that something is “Pay up.” Don’t mention her past behavior; recriminations will only make her bristle. But from now on, refuse to pay your friend’s share of any bill. The noise you’ll hear is the sound of your skin getting thicker — just like hers. Your friend may be shocked the first time you ask her for her half of a bar tab, but by the third time, she’ll have gotten the message: The freeloading’s over.

One question, though: You like this person why?