Money Manners: Peacemaking gesture fails to mend family rift

Dear Jeanne & Leonard:

My grandfather tried to be scrupulously fair with his three children, one of whom is my mother. He gave them the same cash gift when each one married; he gave them the same amount toward a down payment when each one bought a home; and for most of granddad’s life, his will called for his estate to be divided equally among his three children. But not long before his death, Granddad revised his will and left his expensive home to his only son, who had been pressuring him for months to make this change.

My mother’s and my aunt’s feelings were terribly hurt when the revised will came to light, especially since they had shouldered much more of granddad’s care than their brother had. After that, my mother and aunt rarely spoke to my uncle. Well, he died a year ago, and recently his daughter, who inherited the house, invited Mom and my aunt to dinner there. My cousin was only a kid when Granddad died, and she had nothing to do with the friction between her father and her aunts. She just wants to put the past behind us and move on. But my mother and my aunt refuse to go. What can I do to persuade them to accept my cousin’s peacemaking gesture?

— Peace Seeker, Pennsylvania

Dear P.S.:

Get your cousin to add her aunts’ names to the title on the house.

We’re only half-kidding. Look, it’s not as if this family rift is simply about hurt feelings; it’s about a valuable home your mother and aunt have good reason to feel they should have inherited along with their brother. Obviously, your cousin is not to be blamed for the fact that they didn’t. But she’s being too ingenuous by half if she expects her aunts to blithely agree to let bygones be bygones, as if there were no present-day consequences of her father’s behavior. While it’s fine for her to want to patch things up, it’s not up to your cousin to decide that it’s time to move on — not when she’s the one enjoying her father’s ill-gotten gains.

Back to homepage

Subscriber Login

Keep reading with a digital access subscription.

Subscribe now

Dear Jeanne & Leonard:

Before taking a job at a small ad agency, I had to promise to stay for two years, because the owner said it would take him the first year to teach me everything I needed to know about the business. Well, I’ve been here eight months, and I realize I don’t like the ad business and I want to go back to school to learn computer graphics. Under these circumstances, am I obligated to stay?

— Tyler, Los Angeles

Dear Tyler:

Quitting after the first few days or the first few weeks would have been one thing. But at this juncture, your boss has made a substantial investment in you, and you have an ethical obligation to honor the commitment you made to him.

If you nevertheless decide to leave, you should notify your boss of your plans immediately, regardless of your timetable for school. At the very least, you owe this man the opportunity to replace you at his convenience, not yours.