Dear Jeanne & Leonard:
I make a lot more money than the woman Iβve been seeing, so about a month ago I proposed that I pay for everything when we go out. She was very appreciative, but hereβs the problem: Since Iβve started paying, sheβs begun ordering the most expensive items on the menu, things she never ordered when we were splitting the tab. Even though Iβm doing pretty well, Iβm not an extravagant guy, and itβs driving me crazy that she keeps ordering things Iβd never treat myself to. What should I do here? I really like her otherwise.
β Getting Heartburn, Southern Connecticut
Dear Burned:
Tired of paying for those coconut-water martinis, are you? We donβt blame you. Thereβs a word for people who cavalierly help themselves to goodies someone else is paying for, and the word is βfreeloader.β And, alas, leopards rarely change their spots.
Maybe, though, with one of those horrible, all night, we-need-to-talk-about-us conversations, youβll be able to get your girlfriend to understand why her behavior bothers you and persuade her to change. But the lack of consideration sheβs shown for your wallet suggests that this woman, attractive as you may otherwise find her, might not be the right one for you. If she doesnβt have an epiphany when you explain to her what the problem is, itβs probably time for you to move on.
Dear Jeanne & Leonard:
My accountant retired, so I need a new one to do my taxes. When I asked a friendly neighbor in the small condominium complex I recently moved into whether she could recommend anyone, she told me that she and lots of others in the building use βDan,β a CPA who also lives there. I thanked her, and the next thing I knew, I got an email from Dan proposing a time at which to meet to review my finances. Frankly, Iβm not very eager to share this information with someone in the building, especially someone as pushy as Dan. But what can I tell him and the neighbor who gave him my name and keeps asking whether weβve met yet? They both know I need someone to do my taxes, and I donβt want to brush off a person all my neighbors like.
β Pressured, New York
Dear Pressured:
In a perfect world, youβd leave out the βpushyβ part but otherwise tell Dan the truth: that you feel uncomfortable about sharing your personal finances with someone so close to your neighbors. Unfortunately, he could interpret this to mean you donβt trust him to respect your privacy and hence be offended. So welcome to white-lie territory. Consider telling Dan that your boss just recommended a CPA, and you feel it would be injudicious to ignore his advice. Or tell him that your former accountant had an associate youβve decided to try, or that this year youβve decided to prepare your returns yourself. In short, tell Dan whatever you think sounds most credible and least critical of him.
And now you know: Never ask for a recommendation from someone whose recommendation youβd feel uncomfortable not following.