Ok, I admit it. I am not a fashion maven. Never was, never will be. I’ve got clothes older than Adele — that I still wear.
For proof positive, all you have to do is look at photos of me taken in the early ‘90s, wearing the same colorful vest I still slip on from time to time today. If everyone were like me, the fashion industry would collapse, and then what in the world would Kim Kardashian do to cause a ruckus?
On the other hand, plenty of other fashion trends are still hanging around long after you’d think their sell-by-dates had expired.
Exhibit A: The backwards ball cap. Yogi Berra wore it best back in mid-century America, but even he turned the bill frontward whenever he wasn’t in a squat position. A few years after Yogi retired, ordinary mortals starting wearing their caps backward. Later on, quite a few daring souls even thought their heads looked better with the bills sticking out over their ears. Imagine.
Far as I’m concerned, bills on caps worn any direction but straight over the forehead only look cute on kids who still get spare change from the Tooth Fairy. (No exceptions for ice hockey players). Same rules also apply to red high-top sneakers for anyone old enough to know the difference between “Ike” Eisenhower and Ike Turner.
Exhibit B: Baggy jeans. For some strange reason, many young men are still enthralled with pants so voluminous they can actually wade through them. Wide at the waist as well, the pants naturally fall down past the hips, leading to the necessity of wearing colorful boxers, while avoiding crackdowns (no pun intended) by the local constabulary.
Exhibit C: Leggings. Sometime in the mid-‘60s, I bought a pair of houndstooth polyester pants with straps under the feet. When pulled up to my waist, they gave somewhat the illusion of leggings – until one of the “stirrups” broke at just the wrong moment, sending my right pants leg halfway up my shin. You get the idea.
Little wonder I failed to embrace the leggings craze that would later envelop us back in the ‘80s. It got to the point that women were even wearing them to the office, which of course led to the baggy sweater craze as a cover-up for those with less than perfect tummies, hips and derrieres.
Well, guess what – leggings are back, in all their unforgiving glory. Once again, this is a look suitable only on little girls, tiny teens, and those who spend 25 hours a week at the gym.
Exhibit D: Distressed jeans. At least that’s what we called them back in the days when we washed them in acid and/or purposely slashed them along the thighs or over the kneecaps. Not me. In fact, years ago – so long ago, that the statute of limitations has thankfully run out – I subjected my young son to what Sears called Toughskins jeans. Supple as sandpaper, they featured patches inside the knees of the jeans to purposely prevent holes.
Amazingly, Sears still sells these jeans, though I noticed they now sell a “distressed” version, with just enough fading at the knees to supposedly thwart any playground fashion bullies. Even so, there are no visible cuts and tears.
The same can’t be said for today’s distressed jeans for women, which are in such a state they’re now selling as “destroyed” rather than merely “distressed.” Folks, we’re going way beyond a little shredding here and there. Not only are these jeans ripped at the kneeholes, on some of these little numbers the fronts, crotch to just above the knees, are completely gone. Here’s a description of one such pair, as displayed online at us.asos.com: “Liquor & Poker High Rise Mom Jeans With All Over Sequins And Extreme Rips.” Price tag: $81.
Mom jeans? Really? Hey fashionistas, have I got a deal for you, straight from my own closet: Two pairs of mom jeans dating back to the late ‘90s, suitably faded, with shredded seams and tearing along the hiplines. Will customize appropriate knee and/or thigh holes for just the right buyer. All serious offers considered. Seriously.
