Ten days into January and here I am, rip-rarin’ to go with my New Year’s resolutions. Did I mention that No. 1 on my list was “Stop procrastinating”? Yep, already broken.
But first, a word about lists. Why do we have them? Why do we instantly click on them – everything from “Top 10 Reasons Why You Shouldn’t Have Kids” (Hint: They’re messy.) to “Top 10 Celebrities Who Look Like Mattresses.”
Yes, that is a real list, and these are real celebrities, like Katy Perry and Rihanna. And no, it’s not their faces that look like mattresses, but rather their clothes that somewhat match discarded mattresses tossed hither and yon in Internetland.
Here’s Lindsay Lohan in a plaid shirt — a perfect match for a plaid mattress cover superimposed next to the, um, actress. Here’s Russell Brand wearing what appear to be pajama bottoms, matched with a mattress of the same pattern. And here’s Mickey Rourke, whose shirt — and face — do kinda resemble a worn-out mattress.
Nuts, there goes No. 16 on my list: “Try Not to be so Snarky in 2016.”
So here I am, already breaking two of my resolutions for the new year.
But that’s as far as it goes, folks. For, instead of larding my list with good intentions I’ll never keep — lose weight, exercise more, quit watching Fox News for the laughs — I’ve picked a list of 15 resolutions culled from various Internet sites that will be a snap to keep. Here goes:
- “Stop smoking.” No problem. Never have
- —
- except for that one time eons ago when I tried to take it up. After three puffs, I got so dizzy I had to lie down for the rest of the afternoon.
- “Get a health checkup.” Already do that twice a year, with my doc exhorting me to lose weight, get more exercise, yada, yada, yada.
- “Wear things that make you feel good.” Way ahead on this one. Ditched the girdles, pantyhose and pointy-toed shoes years ago.
- “Stop twerking.” Why in the world would I ever start? Is it habit-forming? If so, are there 12-Step Twerking Anonymous programs out there?
- “Get my estate planned.” Already have. Everything goes to the cat. Just kidding, kids.
- “Stop playing Candy Crush.” You gotta be kidding. Yet another addiction I’ve never been tempted to try.
- “Don’t buy the latest phone.” This will surprise no one who really knows me: I still have a flip-phone. And it actually lets me call and receive phone calls!
- “Go to the dentist.” Wanna see the bills for all my caps and root canals?
- “Quit picking your nose.” Eeewww.
- “Be confident in your own skin.” Where else would I be?
- “Get insurance.” Even when we were renters, we carried insurance. Always have. So far, it has paid off handsomely for one kitchen fire, several medical procedures, and at least 13 windshield replacements, thanks to Tucson’s rock-strewn roadways.
- “Stop texting while driving.” On a flip-phone?
- “Eat more high-quality dark chocolate.” Yes! Yes! Yes! I promise. Truly I do.
- “Keep it simple.” You got it. KISS is my motto and mantra.
- “Make your bed daily.” Come rain, shine or hangover, that I really do, diligently striving to avoid having my wardrobe
- —
- or my face
- —
- match the mattress.
