What a wonderful world if everyone planned — ahead

It’s a doozy. The filthiest of four-letter words — as far as my husband is concerned anyway.

What, you ask, is this horrible, horrible word that he hates so much? Can it even appear in print?

Yes, it can and I will tell you. Ready? The nastiest of nasties is…. plan.

And, based on segments of my life that revolve around complicated kid sporting schedules and male coaches, I am gonna guess he’s not the only guy who shudders at the ‘p’ word.

Now I admit, I may be a little hypersensitive in this area. I come from a family that has always so painstakingly mapped out daily schedules that trips to the bathroom were planned. (This kind of poo-paredness would have been an amazing thing to instill in No. 3, who at ages 3, 4, 5 and 6 immediately required a lengthy restroom stop upon arrival at any store to which he was dragged.)

Still, there has to be some sort of balance between over-planning and giving your significant other, oh, 10-20 minutes’ heads-up for an event that requires a gift to be purchased, a babysitter to be hired and at least half an hour of primping.

A mom can dream.

So, with that history established, you can understand my near immediate panic one evening when Big Daddy, hearing an email alert only he can, pulls his cell phone out of his pocket.

“Do we have any plans Friday night?” he asks.

For the record, it was Wednesday. Night.

“Not that I know of.”

I am, however, usually the last to know.

He then goes on to say that his college roomie is coming into town with his family and wants to get together with us and another roomie’s posse.

We quickly run through our options, which include hosting dinner, and though his lips were still moving, I couldn’t hear him over the clanking of the planning lobe of my brain shifting into high gear. That’s a dozen people...What kind of menu... When am I going to get to the store? When am I gonna cook? Friday’s a late carpool pickup! Aaaagh!

Twenty minutes later, the father of my children casually asks, “When is UA homecoming anyway?”

Cue the screechy scratch of a needle getting yanked off a vinyl record.

“Wait — they’re going to be here for homecoming? That’s next month, not Friday.”

Plot twist: His friend PLANS! For realsies PLANS! Not just 10 minutes ahead, but a whole month in advance. How come I didn’t date him in college?

Just so you can truly appreciate how this all played out through, read on and experience the thrills of emale. Names, except mine of course, have been changed to avoid potential lawsuits because one friend and his wife actually are lawyers.

•••

Wed, Sep 23, 2015 at 10:21 PM

Dude1@blahoo.com

To Dude 2, Dude 3

Subject: UA homecoming

I just finalized plans for the family.

We get in late on Thursday and leave early on Sunday.

We’d love to see you guys. Let me know if we can swing an invite to the tailgate and/or some game tickets.

Sent from Blahoo Mail for iPhone

•••

Sep 24, 2015 12:11 PM

Dude2@blahoo.com

To Dude 1, Dude 3

RE: UA homecoming

Great news. We’d love to get together and Friday works for us. Kristen has plans Saturday night so maybe I can bring the kids to the tailgate, since we’ll be in the market for someone willing to cook for us ...

Back to homepage

Subscriber Login

Keep reading with a digital access subscription.

Subscribe now

Sent from Blahoo Mail for iPlod

•••

Interestingly, I had no plans Saturday night. Perhaps he had me confused with his other wife?

And, that was it. For a month. Then — ta da — this arrives. Note the date. At this point, though, I was just thankful to now be looped into the reindeer games.

•••

Oct 20 at 11:03 AM

Dude2@blahoo.com

To Kristen Cook

RE: UA homecoming

How does dinner Friday night sound? We can pull one of the outdoor tables inside and set up a kids table in the front room ...

Sent from Blahoo Mail for iPlod

•••

Oct 20 at 1:57 PM

Dude2@blahoo.com

To Dude 1, Dude 3

CC Kristen Cook

RE: UA homecoming

We’d be happy to host everyone for dinner Friday. Our house food prep staff tells me it’ll be buffet style Mexican. We can plan on eating around 6 p.m. so you guys can make it to the bonfire.

Sent from Blahoo Mail for iPlod

•••

“House food prep staff”?! That stung even more after this:

Oct 20 at 2:10 PM

Dude3@blahoo.com

To Dude 1, Dude 2

CC Kristen Cook

RE: UA homecoming

Sent my bride an email. I have nothing on my calendar but

that is typical. I will confirm but

count us in.

Did you catch that — Dude 3 sweetly refers to his wife as his “bride.” Why didn’t I date him in college?

When the big day rolled around — the house food prep staff, by the way, did an amazing job — I couldn’t help but point out the difference in how Dude 3 referred to his wife versus my questionable term of endearment. My first husband insisted he was just kidding, that he thought it was funny. His friends nodded in agreement.

“Material for your column! It’s a gift!”

I suppose. But, he better not try to count this as a Christmas present.