One Tucson mom knew something was up with her son when he started mouthing off at home, was cranky and had a shorter fuse with his sister.
But she couldn’t quite put a finger on what was bothering him until the boy revealed during a meeting with the school principal that he was being bullied.
It had been going on for about two months, recalled the mother. (The Star is withholding the names of the boy and his parents to protect his identity.)
“I looked at my son’s face and saw the tears coming down,” she said. “This is very difficult for a parent. Learning that my kid is afraid to come to school is heartbreaking.”
More than 20 percent of children nationwide between the ages 12 and 18 reported being bullied in the last school year.
The actual number may be far greater because experts estimate that most — more than 60 percent — don’t tell anyone about it when it’s happening.
“True bullying situations don’t get reported and when it does flare up families are like ‘Why didn’t you do something?’ said Mary Saraceni, the school counselor at Gale and Hughes elementary schools. “But they (bullies) are not gonna do it in front of an all school assembly. They’re gonna do it when the teacher is on the phone.”
SIGNS OF BULLYING
AND HOW TO ADDRESS IT
Though it can be hard to tell what’s going on in a child’s school life, there are signs that something might be wrong. Getting to the bottom of it takes communication and diligence on the parents’ part.
“Any major change in behavior can be a sign,” said Jamal Givens, director of prevention and wellness for CODAC Behavioral Health Services. “If they were talkative and begin to shut down. If they don’t want to go to school. They don’t want to eat … If they’re normally quiet and become more aggressive or mean.”
Other signs include unexplained bruises, cuts or scratches, making up excuses to miss school, anxiety, low self-esteem and complaining frequently of headaches, stomach aches or other ailments.
“When you see these indicators, you have to follow up and ask probing questions,” Givens said.
That’s not an easy task, especially as children get older, since they naturally become more closed to sharing their feelings.
“A good habit to get in is to lead a scripted discussion after school,” said Saraceni, who has a doctorate in education. “‘What was the best thing that happened? What is something you would change?’ If you say ‘How was school?’ and they say ‘fine,’ its not in depth enough. If you probe enough they’ll start to share — especially at elementary age. It gets harder as they get older unless you lay the groundwork.”
Those conversations need to start before there’s a problem, said Deborah Temkin, director of education research at Child Trends, a nonprofit, nonpartisan research center based in Bethesda, Maryland.
“Bullying is not a conversation you should start when something happens,” Temkin said. “For kids to trust you enough to disclose what’s happening they have to feel comfortable with having those conversations … Talk about their social lives and how they’re dealing with school, that way they feel comfortable having those conversations.”
To get older children to confide in you, it might help to not be seated directly across from them, Saraceni said. “They don’t like to maintain eye contact and share feelings.”
Going for a walk or a drive, or sitting next to them on the couch helps them express themselves because the focus isn’t on them having to share their innermost feelings — anything where it doesn’t seem like they’re in the hot spot, Sarceni said.
For younger children, Saraceni said she gets paper and crayons out, turns on some music and doesn’t say a word. Then she uses their drawings to prompt discussion.
“Often they’ll start drawing about the thing that is bothering them and I’ll say ‘Oh, neat colors in that picture. Tell me what’s going on there.’ And typically, they’ll pour their hearts out. It’s at their pace and they’re comfortable.”
A TUCSON BOY’S STORY
The boy who revealed in the meeting with his mother and his school principal that he was being bullied had been responding to a question from the principal about whether he found himself not wanting to come to school.
When the bullying happened again, the boy told the principal and the bully was talked to. However, the bullying continued and escalated physically, so his parents filed a report with law enforcement. Upon investigation, they learned the bully was going through some things at home. “Although not an excuse, it could explain his behavior at school,” the victim’s mother said.
Before pressing charges she and her husband sat down with their son and asked what he wanted them to do. He didn’t want them or anybody else involved.
“So we decided to have the detective explain to the kid that we were giving him one last chance because our son asked us to. That we could have him arrested at any time if he laid another finger on him,” his mother said. “It didn’t completely go away in the following weeks but it did get better …My son is better. He knows now that it is best that he tells us right away so that it doesn’t get too far.”
The boy’s mother said the school handled the situation as well as it could have, but more needs to be done.
“There needs to be zero tolerance at all times, even for the smallest of issues. Anti-bullying campaigns need to be implemented at the beginning, during and end of the school year. Not just once,” she said. “If the child doesn’t speak up, no one will help. As a parent, look for the signs. What’s different? Talk to your kid’s friends. Become involved.”
WHAT TO DO
“As long as you don’t throw the first punch, you can hit back” is a common mantra among some parents.
However, that can get the child in trouble since most schools have adopted a zero-tolerance policy, regardless of whether a child is defending him- or herself.
Rather, it is recommended that the child finds a way to safely get away from the situation and find a trusted adult to talk to.
Hanging out in groups is a way to deter bullies, CODAC’s Givens said. “A lot of times a bully isn’t gonna confront a person with two, three or four friends.”
Parents should immediately alert the school principal if their child is being bullied, Givens said. Also, follow the steps outlined in the school’s bullying policies.
Arizona has anti-bullying laws so if a bully is physically assaulting somebody, you can call the police, Givens said.
Schools need to educate and encourage bystanders to stick up for a child if they see him or her being bullied and to include children who are alone in their group, Givens said.
“A bully doesn’t like to be confronted by a group,” Givens said. “They’re doing it because they feel like they can.”
Schools try to handle these situations, but many of them don’t always know what to do, so it’s important for parents and students to be advocates for what is the safest solution for them, said Temkin, who grew up in Tucson and attended elementary, middle and high school here.
“Get the services they need, which might be a change of seats in the classroom,” Temkin said. “One thing we recommend is the kids not be isolated. So, if a seat change is required, perhaps the seating chart for the whole class is changed around so that kid isn’t singled out as an issue.”
CYBERBULLYING
Temkin estimated that about 7 percent of children ages 8 to 15 reported being cyberbullied last school year.
“Surprisingly, cyberbullying is less prevalent than traditional forms,” Temkin said. “It is an issue, but I think it’s really important that it’s not the prime issue when talking about bullying.”
However, being bullied online can be just as traumatic. And, it’s even more difficult for schools to handle because there is still debate on how much a school can get involved in cyberbullying. That being said, kids who bully online are likely to be involved in bullying at school.
“What makes it very different is bullying when I was growing up stopped at school. You go home and find respite in the fact that you have hours without feeling tortured,” Temkin said. “Now kids are attached to their phones, checking Instagram and Twitter … That of course means cyberbullying is a 24/7 event. So it can be very traumatic.”
Signs to look out for mimic those of face-to-face bullying.
“The effects are behavior change … being more obsessed with or not wanting to be online,” Temkin said. “Either of those extremes might be an indication.”
Parents can monitor their children’s computers, phones and social media, but Temkin recommends being up front about it.
“If it’s done in an open and honest way, there’s more likelihood there will be a positive outcome from that.”
PREVENTION
Preventing children from becoming bullies starts at home by teaching kindness toward all people.
“When they see us not treating, for instance, people waiting on us or the bus driver, poorly, we are sending a message that that’s an appropriate behavior,” Temkin said. “Be conscious that those messages translate. The best thing is to be a good role model.”
A lot of schools are focused on stopping bullying rather than preventing, Temkin said.
“They’re focused on telling them not to bully but not setting up the foundation for kids to be pro-social,” Temkin said. “Schools taking that proactive approach are less likely to experience bullying. Making sure everybody feels supported will yield more positive results than just telling kids not to bully.”
When it does occur, it’s important to look at the context of the bullying, Tempkin said. Stereotypes as to who is targeted by bullies do not always apply.
“Kids who are different tend to be targeted, but it’s not always about targeting a difference of discrimination,” Tempkin said. “Kids are using bullying as a social device to gain popularity and status in their social networks. The context is an important factor. We have to address that in order to prevent it.”
Educating children about including others and sticking up for one another is a sure way to combat bullying, Saraceni said.
“When there’s one sort of underdog and a bully with his or her pack they just have this sick sense to find the weakest link and they go get them,” Saraceni said. “So if that one lonely child can be included in someone else’s game, they’re not so vulnerable.”
She tries to hit that point home with the following example:
“If there’s 100 kids on the playground and one is being picked on by three, the rest of us have so much power. The odds are much better,” Saraceni explained. “By doing nothing we put the power with the bullies and that one kid is facing 99 kids. If someone is not helping, they’re part of the problem.”
It doesn’t mean it alleviates all bullying, Saraceni said. “But if you have guidelines and basic understandings you can figure out what went wrong and how to fix it. If you don’t talk about it until there’s a problem, it’s too late.”
