Lily Luna Rose says she wears whatever she wants, even boys clothes — “because girls can do that” — and she identifies with Rey, the newest Star Wars heroine.
Her mother, Natalie Luna Rose, describes her as fearless, independent and headstrong.
The 7-year-old is determined to do things on her own. For example, she recently won a bicycle at a school raffle. Rather than having someone show her how to ride, Lily taught herself.
But not before decorating her blue helmet with peace signs, hearts and stars.
She inherited much of that confidence from her mother.
“I come from a family of all women,” Luna Rose says. “So, I’ve always been surrounded by strong women and I think that sort of rubs off.”
The movement to empower girls and women has become more visible in recent years with marketing plans, such as Dove’s “Campaign for Real Beauty,” says Kelly Fryer, executive director of the YWCA Southern Arizona.
“It does seem like ‘girl power’ sells,” Fryer says. “I think this is a good thing. You can’t be what you can’t see. So, it’s good for girls (and boys) to see images of empowered women and girls in commercials, in the movies, in the toy aisle.”
But, it’s more than a marketing ploy. It has given women a louder, stronger voice than they had before, Fryer says.
“Marketing departments may be capitalizing on ‘girl power,’ but girl power is a thing today because of the way women are claiming and using their power to make change,” Fryer says.
CHALLENGES TO SELF-ESTEEM
There are many challenges to developing a healthy dose of self-esteem, from the changes of puberty to the messages girls get from society and media.
“The physical changes of puberty — gaining weight, growing unwanted hair, body odor — are themselves seen as negative changes by the girls who experience them,” says Marie Fordney, director of the teen and pregnancy prevention programs at Child and Family Resources. “As a result, young girls might have low self-esteem simply because they are dissatisfied with their bodies.”
The growing awareness of the world around them and what it says is important also has an impact on a girl’s self-esteem, says Velia Nuno, assistant professor of health promotion sciences at the University of Arizona.
“As girls age, they develop more cognitive skills, which allows them to interpret their environment in greater depth,” says Nuno, who is a mother to two daughters. “A sense of belonging is an essential experience during adolescence as girls distinguish themselves from their parents and caregivers. Girls do this as part of their identity development.”
Those changes start around middle school and make girls much more sensitive to the opinions of others, Fordney says.
“In our society that includes the collective opinion presented by media messages in songs, printed in advertising, movies, TV shows, etcetera,” Fordney says. “Female role models in these settings range from the helpless princess to the hyper-sexualized swimsuit model to the ugly smart girl.”
Magazines, television, social media, music and movies send messages to girls on unrealistic ideals.
“I think social media is a huge factor,” Luna Rose says. “Media in general. ... There’s a lot of strong females there, but there’s a model to adhere to. They’re thin and light. Lily is half white, half Mexican. I think there’s still not enough girls that look like her.”
Social media has its upside, too.
“Social media has given us the ability to hold companies, elected officials, celebrities and other public figures more accountable, more quickly when they discount or denigrate women,” Fryer says. “Women are using the Internet to change the conversation, raise important issues and make sure their voices get heard.”
Worrying about looks and weight isn’t confined to the tween and teen years.
Crystle Zimmerman, a mother of two children, says her daughter, 9, was bullied in kindergarten by a boy who called her fat every day.
“It’s sad that little girls have to worry about being fat,” Zimmerman says.
As if looks, weight and fitting in weren’t enough to worry about, girls are also concerned with being considered pushy or overbearing when they do have confidence.
Growing into a powerful woman is a difficult process, Fordney says.
“In order to be perfect, we must be powerful yet approachable, tough and soft at the same time and smarter and better at our jobs than a man,” Fordney says. “Growing from a sweet little girl into a powerful woman is a difficult process and it’s perfectly normal to experience some challenges.”
Luna Rose says she wished Hillary Clinton came to town instead of Bill so she could take her daughter to see a female candidate.
“There’s still not a lot of strong female role models without being called shrill or harpy,” Luna Rose said. “Girls are still hearing that. You have to smile and be pleasant for men. I tell her she’s not here for anybody’s enjoyment. You live your life how you want and make no concessions to it.”
HOW TO HELP
Giving girls the freedom to make decisions and pursue their interests is a great way to instill confidence.
“Whatever she gravitated toward is what I allow,” Luna Rose says of her daughter. “I didn’t ban pink or princess dresses. If she wanted to explore those on her own, I allowed her to.”
Giving Lily chores also contributes to her confidence. She makes her bed, puts her clothes away and cares for the cat she got for Christmas.
“Instilling the daily boring chores contributes to having a child that’s really self-confident because they know they can do it themselves,” Luna Rose says.
It’s equally important for parents to show interest in what their daughters want to do or learn.
“If she decides to take up skateboarding, give her a ride to the skate park and go for ice cream together afterwards,” Fordney suggests. “If she is reading the new teen zombie books, read them with her and take her to the movies. If she asks for a chemistry set, buy it. Women are underrepresented in STEM careers.”
Really listening to what your daughter has to say goes a long way, Luna Rose says.
“Just because she’s 7 doesn’t mean her experiences aren’t real,” Luna Rose says. “They’re real to her and important to her and that’s why she’s talking to me about it. … She feels validated that you’re listening to the conversation.”
Listening should include your ears, eyes and heart, says Nuno.
“When they are very young, they may not have the words to express themselves so this requires adults to listen with more than their ears,” Nuno says. “Adults can help girls by naming the experience, by giving girls the words. ‘I see you are excited about starting your new after-school program.’ ‘I can tell the words from your friends hurt your feelings.’”
Listening with your eyes and heart entails noticing changes in behaviors to figure out what’s going on with your daughter, since older girls don’t always want to talk to their parents, Nuno says.
“It offers the wonderful benefit of building a closer relationship with your daughter,” Nuno says. “Listening with the heart means being present in such a way that you feel the experience of your daughter. ... It shows compassion and a genuine interest. It means moving any negative judgment thoughts or reactions out of your mind to make room for listening to your daughter.”
Zimmerman tells her daughter she is beautiful “no matter what” on a daily basis and encourages her to always be herself.
“I have had many talks about how all girls are beautiful in their own special way,” Zimmerman says. “I’ve taught her it’s okay to express herself in any way she wants — selfies, being goofy. ... It’s OK to smile and say hi to people.”
Remind your daughter regularly that you love her and make sure to acknowledge her accomplishments with specific praise, Fordney says.
“For example, if she impresses you during her volleyball game, tell her that you were impressed with how powerful her serves were or how well she hustled to get the ball,” Fordney says.
Parents should also be ready for disappointment, Fordney says.
“She may get cut from the volleyball team, or maybe you can’t afford a chemistry set,” Fordney says. “We want to give our children everything they want, but a better gift is to help them learn to deal with disappointment. It is actually good, because then she learns to cope with loss with our help and in situations that are lighter than adult situations like losing a job.”
