Fitz's Opinion: Allies of Trump respond to his latest assault on democracy

The following column is the opinion and analysis of the writer:

On President Trump’s last day in office, feeling sad, he orders a massive strike, peppering the planet with nuclear warheads. In the aftermath of the global conflagration, fallout and firestorms carpet the rubble of civilization. Nuclear winter shrouds the planet.

From his bunker Sean Hannity addresses his seven surviving viewers. “I’d like to know who started this. Anti-fa? Soros? Ocasio Cortez? Pelosi?”

Rush Limbaugh, clenching a radioactive cigar between his two remaining blackened teeth, shouts into his charred microphone, “It’s a frame up! The Never-Trumpers will do anything to stop Donald Trump from making America great!”

Laura Ingraham, dazed and wandering, says to a shattered mirror shard, “Sure. Blame Trump. Rush to judgment. Fake news! Do we even have nuclear weapons? Has anyone considered the Gas Company as a possible culprit?”

Tucker Carlson, suffering from burns over 90% of his bowtie, and retching from radiation poisoning, picks up a glowing human skull, arches what’s left of an eyebrow and intones, “We may never know the truth here. I think sunblock manufacturers are behind whatever this odd weather is. Where was Hunter Biden when this went down?And Hillary?”

Three surviving members of the Trump administration, with multiple mushroom clouds as their backdrop, post a video of themselves resigning in protest. “Enough is enough.”

Rudy Giuliani, caught at Mar-a-Lago with his pants blown down by a 5-megaton blast, says to a burnt alligator carcass, “At first I thought it was another ‘Borat’ trap and then I saw the mushroom cloud,” adding, “I’m going to walk to Ukraine, and, if it still exists, I’m going to launch an investigation into Hunter Biden’s link to this disaster. In the meantime I’m tracking down rumors that pics of Hillary exist, riding a hydrogen bomb down, like Slim Pickens, allegedly shouting,’ I hate you, Donald.’ How sick and deranged is that? Could you hand me my left arm, please?”

The next day surviving members of Congress speak out.

From inside their cave by the Potomac the House Freedom Caucus “issues a statement” on their cave wall. “@ last! We are free frum regul8tions! And the Godliss Department of Education! Thank you, President Trump!”

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Miles away, his mutton chops fried, Ted Cruz is trapped under debris at the bottom of a mile-wide crater. As night falls he lectures feral dogs eating human remains at the edge of the crater. “You realize the people who want to destroy your Bill of Rights and take away your guns are thrilled by this!”

In Texas, Congressman Louis Gohmert, buried under thousands of tons of irradiated soil texts, “Don’t believe the lying media. It’s all CGI, like the moon landing.”

In what was Arizona, Kelli Ward, the head of Arizona’s Republican Party, tells a rabid five-legged javelina, “Radioactivity is good for you! While I have your attention we desperately need to raise funds to stop the liberals from destroying what’s left of the planet. Now. Before it’s too late.”

Arizona Gov. Doug Ducey announces through a spokesperson he is still waiting in his Scottsdale bunker to receive instruction from any surviving members of the Koch family. “In the meantime gyms are wide open! And for those with hair, beauty salons are open, too.”

Arizona state Rep. Mark Finchem, who lost his famed walrus mustache in the firestorm that resulted from Pima County being struck with multiple nuclear warheads, blames “a cabal of left-wing pedophiles, cannibals, and Islamic terrorists for the unusually bad weather,” and as the second wave hits he adds, “God bless, Donald Trump.”

Outside a bunker in Cave Creek, a man resembling Sean Spicer tells people waiting in line for fresh water and body bags that “only 8,000 are dead! Not 7.56 billion,” and to “Get a grip!”

Mutants attack Ivanka when she announces a new line of lead-lined lingerie, adding she hopes to grow her hair back “to cheer people up!” Days later Trump is found miles beneath the White House rubble. His first words to the rescue team are “I won,” adding, “I must be immune to radiation.”

President Biden corrects him.

A month later, in the rubble of the Republican National Headquarters, human remains are found, but, to the surprise of no forensic experts, not one single vertebrae.