Dear Jeanne & Leonard:
My wife (of 20 years) has always driven a car with a standard transmission, and I donβt really drive a stick shift.
Since we both prefer that I drive when weβre out together, we always take my car, even though Iβve always driven a large SUV (for towing our boat). Recently, however, my wife made a snap decision to trade in her car for a smaller, sportier one with an automatic transmission. I was surprised that she would make such a large purchase without first discussing it.
Still, when she brought the car home, I made what I thought was a positive comment to the effect that now, when we go out, we can go in something stylish and not always have to take my big car.
βOh no you donβt,β I was told. βThis car is for me, and youβre not driving it anywhere.β Iβm annoyed that she insists we can never go out in her car, and I think sheβs being selfish and possessive. Do you agree?
β Jerry, Upstate New York
Dear Jerry:
Is it possible your wife has never wanted you to drive her cars, but sheβs grown tired of driving a stick shift just to keep your hands off them?
Whatever the answer, we agree: Your wife is being selfish in denying the familyβs designated driver access to her new wheels, and for that you have our sympathy. But if this is the most unreasonable thing sheβs done in the past 20 years, count your blessings.
Often, spouses need a little turf of their own β golf, for example, or a book group. Unless your wife broke the family budget in buying the car, and presumably you would have told us if she did, try not to begrudge her hers.
Dear Jeanne & Leonard:
My son and his new wife are a great match, except when it comes to saving money versus spending.
Neither has any debt, and both have good salaries.
However, my son is quite frugal β heβs been contributing to a Roth IRA since he was 16 and had his first job β while his wife loves to shop and has never had a savings account.
So for Christmas, I want to give them some time with a financial counselor, enough time to work out a budget and a long-term financial plan. My husband thinks this is a bad idea. What do you think?
β Concerned
Dear Concerned:
We think you should listen to your husband. Not because financial planning isnβt a useful exercise for newlyweds β it is β but because meddling by a mother-in-law is always a bad idea. Whatβs more, the gift youβre proposing couldnβt be a clearer expression of your disapproval of your daughter-in-lawβs spending habits, something sheβs sure to take note of and resent.
Itβs fair enough to encourage your son to invite his wife to join him in seeing a financial planner.
But leave Christmas out of it.
And if you want to have a good relationship with your new daughter-in-law, be certain your fingerprints arenβt on the idea.
