Money Manners: It's not cheating to check your references

Dear Jeanne and Leonard:

I’ve been out of work for three months, and I’m having trouble getting a new job. I’ve had second interviews at five different companies, but not one has offered me work.

Now I’m thinking maybe one of the people I asked to be a reference is stabbing me in the back. So I asked a good friend to call my references, pose as a prospective employer and find out what they’re saying. But my friend is worried that this would be unethical. Is it?

— Unemployed, San Antonio, Texas

Dear Unemployed:

When someone agrees to serve as a reference, that person is implicitly agreeing to provide a positive recommendation. Unfortunately, not everyone is aware of — or willing to honor — this convention. If one of your references falls into this category, you need to find out and drop him or her.

You could, of course, ask your references directly what they’re telling your prospective employers.

But doing so is unlikely to endear you to any of them. Plus if one of these guys has it in for you, he or she might not answer the question honestly. This leaves you with little choice but to use subterfuge to determine if someone is surreptitiously sabotaging your job search.

Even so, your friend isn’t wrong to feel uneasy about calling these folks and at least implying that he or she is considering hiring you; misrepresentations are never a good thing. But here’s the bottom line: Employers expect the references you choose to give them to be people who think well of you. It’s not cheating for you to do so, and it’s not cheating to make certain that that’s exactly what you’re doing.

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Dear Jeanne and Leonard:

My older sister ended up with very little money in her final years. I had more, so I helped out, dropping off groceries, taking her out to meals and giving her a few hundred dollars every couple of months. She was grateful, and I was glad to be able to help. Well, she died a few months ago, and going through her things, my brother and I found $800 in small-denomination savings bonds, which she’d obviously bought with some of the money I’d given her.

What shocked me was that she’d listed my brother’s daughter, who apparently was her favorite niece, as the co-owner of the bonds (my sister was childless). Am I wrong to think that my brother should be offering to give that money to my daughter? He knows where it came from.

— S.R., Pennsylvania

Dear S.R.:

Sounds like your sister wanted to make trouble from the grave. But that’s another story. To answer your question: Your brother should be acknowledging that the money left to his daughter must have come from you, and he should offer to reimburse you for the bonds. But if he does, consider declining his offer.

Look — the money you gave your sister, while intended for her support, was nevertheless a gift — a particularly kind and generous one, but hers to do with as she pleased.

So try to forget your sister’s slight and your brother’s insensitivity, and instead rest on your laurels.