“My 10-year-old son is pretty good about completing and turning in daily homework sheets, but he procrastinates when it comes to projects. My husband and I argue about how we should handle this. We completely agree that school performance is important, but we disagree on if and how parents should get involved.”
What role should parents play when it comes to homework? Is there a middle ground between “sink or swim” and (gasp!) completing an entire project for the child?
Long before a child is assigned a project that requires planning and organization, savvy parents have indicated their high expectations for school success. The child already understands that doing well at school is important and that school is his top priority.
This boy should already know that he owns the responsibility for his homework but that his parents are available to answer questions or help him if he is really stuck. It’s obvious that saying, “Ask your teacher,” or “I’m too busy,” gives the message that you are indifferent to your child’s success at school.
KJ Dell’Antonia, who writes the Motherlode Blog for the New York Times, points out in “Raising Your Successful 35-Year-Old” that the answer to the parental-involvement-in-homework question really goes back to what we mean when we say we want to raise “successful” children. It often means college, a good college. But Dell’Antonia writes, “… it’s too easy to forget that it’s the qualities in our children that might lead to those accomplishments that matter, not the goals themselves.” (Italics mine)
Parents who focus on the success (and look forward to awarding themselves a gold star when their child gets into Prestige U) are apt to just correct the algebra homework or just suggest a nifty way to make the project stand out. Kenneth Ginsburg, author of “Raising Children to Thrive” says, “Those ‘justs’ can be killers … because while we want to protect our children from harm, what we too often end up doing is protecting them from learning.”
Ginsburg, recognizing how hard it can be for parents to watch their child do poorly or fail, uses the term “lighthouse parenting” (very different from helicopter parenting!). “I want to be a model for my child, a stable force they can always see. … I want to make sure they don’t crash against the rocks, but I have to make sure they can ride the waves on their own.”
My own suggestions for finding the middle ground between hovering and doing nothing to help:
Model the skills you know your child will need, now and as an adult. Start early with simple mundane tasks. Folding socks together is an organizational skill, as is putting toys away right. Provide bins so the little Legos are stored in one place. Explain that keeping things together makes play easier and more fun. Let your child see — and later help — you make a grocery list. When you teach your child how to tell time, talk about being on time and how to work back from when you must leave for school so you will be ready. Have a family calendar that you expect the children to use and contribute to. Let your child see you do tasks like paying bills or sending birthday party invitations by gathering all you will need before you start to be efficient.
Discuss the “philosophy” of organization. Planning ahead and writing things down means fewer important things are forgotten. My parents talked about how “good habits” made life easier. Most importantly, being late or forgetting to do an important assignment leads to stress, and stress is not healthy for an individual or a family.
Help your child develop patience and tenacity. We live in an instant, touch-screen world, but children who learn to postpone gratification actually do better in school. Both parents and teachers should encourage and expect even young children to finish a task. When I was in kindergarten, I drew a girl wearing a dress of polka dots. Polka dots take time to draw, and I was not allowed to go out to recess because my work was not finished. Except for a lifetime aversion to polka dots, this incident was a helpful life lesson. I could avoid missing recess by crayoning a solid color dress, an early version of planning ahead.
So when it comes to school assignments, be a “lighthouse parent” and find your own middle ground between watching your child sink or swim.
In my experience, two things can be of help. Work closely with the child’s teacher to ascertain how your child is doing, not only in acquiring competencies but also in work habits, tenacity and postponing gratification.
Second, from the very first project or another assignment that requires advance planning, have your child put the due date on the family calendar and ask the child to show you his work plan. Obviously, with young children, help is needed, but by age 10 or so a realistic plan should come from the child. The degree to which you monitor this plan should diminish as the child advances in school.
