Civility, 2016. Does it even exist in this country nowadays?
I am upset and saddened by the lack of civility in our nation today and worry about children who grow up in an uncivil land. Civility obviously must start at home. But how do parents teach their children civility when the world is full of “potty-mouth” talk?
The definition of civility is “courteous behavior, politeness.” The word comes from the Latin, civilis, which comes from civis meaning citizen. Is it possible to have civilization without civil citizens? Can democracy survive without the civil discourse needed to create and preserve the laws that make and keep us civilized?
Today politicians play “Gotcha!” in an anything but civil way. The language on cable TV, movies, and the Internet as well as that spoken in too many of our homes is anything but civil. It is downright crude, dirty, and uncivil. Illustrations in magazines too often portray women or minorities in a provocative and uncivil way.
Civility starts with respect for others. We respect the feelings and rights of others and expect others to respect our feelings and rights. Why? Because in a democracy all citizens matter. Respect is not just a theoretical construct or a nicety. It is the foundation of democracy.
Children must be treated with respect before they can be taught to treat others respectfully. Yes, parents are in charge. Yes, we must tell our kids what to do and what not to do a zillion times a day, but we can and should do it with respect for the child’s feelings. We teach courtesy by being and acting courteous.
Respect for others, even those you don’t think much of or agree with, means speaking with civility. Disrespectful language like name-calling hurts. Swearing, even when it is not directed to a person but is used because the speaker is angry, crude, or showing off, shows disrespect for everyone within earshot.
I digress to share a personal family story. Jeremy, age 4, came home from preschool and excitedly told his Mommy that he knew the two “F” words but would never say them because we mustn’t. Mommy asked in surprise, “The two “F” words?” Jeremy, remembering not to say these words, whispered two words in Mommy’s ear, one of which was “Dammit.” (You know the other.) He had not yet learned how to spell but already knew not to say bad words.
What is the best way for parents to teach a child the polite conventions we call manners that help hold civilization together? When should a parent start? Actually the process starts at birth. Babies whose parents love each other and treat each other with courtesy will imitate such behavior. (Sadly, babies who grow up with quarreling, short-tempered, discourteous parents follow that blueprint.)
Parents must also instruct their children in the skills of respect like empathy, fairness, and tolerance. (“How would you feel if someone did this to you?”) We also must teach respect for things (We don’t write on library books) and for the environment (We don’t litter).
Civility instruction takes time. You may have to repeat, “we do not say that word” until the child learns the rule. Kids also need frequent suggestions that should be spoken softly to the child alone. “Todd looks lonely, why don’t you go play with him,” and “Grandma doesn’t hear very well so talk slowly and clearly.”
We must teach by example and instruction that there are civil ways to have discourse with a person who disagrees with you. There are respectful ways to argue. When I was a child I was told to listen carefully especially when the other person does not share your viewpoint. Life has taught me that every time I disagree strongly, the other person feels as strongly as I do about the issue. I now seek common ground and try to have a civil dialogue rather than get on my soapbox.
What’s a parent to do when candidates for President of the United States of America do not seem to have been taught any of the above? Sarah Lyall in a recent New York Times piece titled “How Do You Talk to Your children about Donald Trump? Thoughtfully,” quotes Maury Peterson of Parenting Journey: “Quite frankly, it’s been quite embarrassing when I have an 11-year-old who is better behaved and more polite than some people who are the potential next leaders of our country. This name-calling and making fun of people is basically the opposite of what he’s been taught at home and at school.”
Whenever I am asked how parents should handle any difficult matter especially when it involves behaviors they do not condone, my response is to start with and emphasize family solidarity. “Our family does not talk like that about people.” “We don’t insult people or say anything that makes somebody feel bad.” Talk about why it is wrong to demean groups of people. Tell your children what democracy means and how bringing diverse peoples together strengthens our country. Take the high road. Don’t let yourself be dragged down by the incivility of others. Don’t be disparaging or sarcastic about those who hold an opposite opinion.
Media literacy is important. Watch TV together and ask your kids questions like “Why do you suppose the channel keeps repeating that clip?” Teach your children the difference between facts and opinions. Use the Internet together to fact check what is being said.
Never miss an opportunity to point out that, despite the fact we all enjoy being with our own family and identity group, we are one people on a fragile planet. We cannot let ourselves be affected or pulled apart by rude sound bytes.
